Ostentatious Sophism

I like 'em shaken!

2009-05-23T13:37:00.001-07:00

So I would like to post a quick salute to the author of The Martini Chronicles. I have been reading this blog for a while, and I love the style it is written in. The emotion is very raw, but funny (in a dry, British kind of way). I very much relate to the feelings that the author expresses, and I felt that I should share this gem of a blog. Thanks!

Something Wicked This Way Comes

2009-05-23T13:26:00.000-07:00

As many know, I am prone to changing my mind more often then my bed sheets. I "realize" things about myself, my friends, the world, etc. I wake every day unsure of what my mind may decided next. Well, I think it has made quite a few interesting decisions. Some may hurt, some may feel great, and all are sure to scare the hell out of me! I am slowly getting my life back together, and understanding what it means to be an adult. This, obviously, means that I have to do something to completely turn it upside down, just to keep me on my toes. This summer promises to be a roller-coaster of a train ride, except I have no clue what station I will end up getting off at. All i know is that I have my ticket and am ready to travel!

Drunken Stammering

2009-05-17T04:17:00.000-07:00

I have decided that I have a huge crush on the third girl (here and after called "********" or "****") that I cannot deny (unless it is to her...) Just thought you should know...

[EDIT: Aliases concealed after sobriety took over...]

About the crush thing...

2009-05-16T13:13:00.000-07:00

So it is official, I have three (count 'em THREE) crushes. I have not felt a real crush in a while, so this is emotional progress for me.

One of them, I fully realize, is highly physical. I am very attracted to this girl and have to force my eyes off of her beautiful body. Do not get me wrong, I truly enjoy her company, but I do not feel that we are very compatible. We have extremely different interests, backgrounds, and lifestyles. I am not sure that I could sustain a relationship with her, so I do not think that I will pursue one.

The next one is someone that I know very little about. I have no idea if she is single, in school, living alone, etc. Hell, I do not even know her age! All I know is that her personality elates me. Talking to her and seeing her puts a smile on my face. I have gathered from speaking to her, that she is highly intelligent and know what she wants out of life. She exudes so much confidence that I do not think that I am going to pursue a relationship there either. I am quite sure that she is too good for me.

The last girl is the most interesting to me. She is smart, funny, gorgeous, and seems to be full of life. Her smile is something that would make the most callous and cold man melt with warmth. She has been through a lot, and seems to have fared well with the exception of companionship. She seems like someone that really needs a confidant and a friend. Now, I know that I am setting myself up to relive my past, but these are the girls that I like. I want someone that has been through purgatory and is now just waiting for someone to join them as they leave. However, I am fairly certain that she is not interested in me in the slightest, so I do not think I will pursue. Unless I get some sign from her that I have anywhere close to a shot, I am not going to waste the time of either of us.

Thus, my brain has computed and decided; again, I will be single.

Depression

2009-05-12T22:41:00.000-07:00

Cracked.com has found the cure for depression, and I want to share the cure they posted in this article:

"You want to break out of that black tar pit of self-hatred? Brush the black hair out of your eyes, step away from the computer and buy a nice gift for someone you loathe. Send a card to your worst enemy. Make dinner for your mom and dad. Or just do something simple, with an tangible result. Go clean the leaves out of the gutter. Grow a damn plant."

Haha, priceless...

Torture

2009-05-12T17:48:00.000-07:00

Hello! Just as a side note, I want all of you to know that using torture as a means of interrogation is wrong regardless of the information that the witness may hold. While reading my daily political websites, I have noticed that a lot of the torture debate is spent deciding if torture is illegal or not. I think the legality of it matters not; it is immoral. In response to this interview between Liz Cheney and Eugene Robinson, Justmy2 from the Daily Kos had the following to say:

Video:

""

Daily Kos:

"The saddest part was that none of these people were willing to forcefully say the we shouldn't torture people in any case. Apparently, according to Mika and Mike, if polls say Americans are willing to torture people, that means the President has the right to act illegally. Apparently, we are no longer a nation of laws, we are nation of polls and our leaders can do anything as long as they can convince the public that the end justifies the means."

This bothers me because it means that our democratic nature is telling us that it is ok to put men and women through extreme physical torture under two conditions: 1.) It makes your life better, and 2.) Your buddies all agree it is a good idea. This mindset is leading us down a dark and dangerous path. Eventually we will try and justify all of our actions by the ends they achieve and this will lead to a complete lack of morality. It will be ok for a man to beat his wife, if it meant she would never cheat on him again. It will be ok for a wife to cheat on her husband, if it meant that he would pay more attention to her. It will be ok to abuse your kids, if it meant they will get better grades in school. This slippery slope warning was also given by a little brown sage in India over 70 years ago. Gandhi argued that Indian independence was very important, but not without Hind Swaraj, or Home Rule. Home rule, as Gandhi saw it, was the ability for Indians to properly care for themselves. He wanted to establish a network of communities that spun their own clothing, harvested their own food, and did not believe in discrimination. He knew that independence was very important, but it was useless if it was achieved through violence. He proposed a new method called Satyagraha which involved achieving independence through Home Rule. He would fully understand that achieving something a sacred as national security was pointless if we did it through the means of torture. I believe it is high time we all understand this. I leave you with one of my favorite quotes by Ben Franklin:

"Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both."

Infatuation

2009-05-11T21:24:00.000-07:00

Someone on this blog told me that the reason that I am so closed off to the rest of the world is that I have not found anyone that I find worthy enough to open up to. While I totally agree with this assessment, I know that there are people that I would completely open myself up to, if I knew that they cared. I found this quote on iGoogle this morning:

"An ostentatious man will rather relate a blunder or an absurdity he has committed, than be debarred from talking of his own dear person." - Joseph Addison

A big problem that I have is that I do not feel that the things that I have to share are worthy of anyones time. I know that I feel strong emotion, but why would anyone care what I am feeling unless they have a special interest in me? Inversely, how can I truly know that someone is interested in me (or potential to date) unless they know what I am feeling? This image comes to mind:

Eventually, I have a feeling that I will find someone that feels as right for me as I do to them, but that seems so far away. I know that all I can do is embrace simple patience and wait for it to happen, but I am not good at waiting. I have met many people that I would love to date, but (as always) they do not share my feelings.

"As an unperfect actor on the stage
Who with his fear is put beside his part
Or some fierce thing replete with too much rage
Whose strength abundant weakens his own heart
So I for fear of trust forgot to say
The perfect ceremony of love's right
And in mine own love's strength seem to decay
O ercharg d with burden of mine own love's might
O let my looks be then the eloquence
And dumb presagers of my speaking breast.
Who plead for love and look for recompence
More than that tongue that more hath more exprest
O learn to read what silent love hath writ
To hear what eyes belong to love's fine wit!"

-William Shakespeare (Sonnet 23)

Waking Realization

2009-05-08T08:08:00.000-07:00

So I have realized (after a great nights sleep) that I push people away. I have always known that I make it hard to let people know me, but I always thought that I was pretty receptive to people in general. This chain of thoughts started last night as I was watching Bones on Fox. In last nights episode, Booth found out that he had a brain tumor and had to go into surgery to have it removed. There was great sadness from the entire team, but mostly from Bones. At the very end of the episode, Booth was about to go under, when the credits started rolling and BONES STILL DID TELL HIM HOW SHE FELT ABOUT HIM!!!! It was so depressing. It made me realize that I do that same thing on a daily basis because I am afraid of rejection. I will avoid telling women that I am interested in them because I fear reliving the pain of loosing "Apples.".

I pride myself in my extreme control over my emotions, but sometimes I wonder if it is causing me to miss the one thing I want most in life; someone to share it with.
--
Transitioning on the go (iPhone post)

Welcome Home

2009-05-04T21:42:00.000-07:00

So after much debate with myself (including some odd looks from the people at Borders), I have decided to move Ostentatious Sophism back to blogger. Over the course of the next few weeks, I will begin moving all of my absentee posts from my server to the blogger servers for your archiving pleasure. Eventually I will be moving this blog to my server, but that is a little way away.

This comes as a realization that I need an outlet for my creative juices. I have felt ... smothered ... recently, and I do not enjoy it much. I have tried many times to deny it, but this Ostentatious nature of mine is actually healthy. I felt very narcissistic, in the past, about sharing my seemingly meaningless thoughts with all of you on the web. However, I have found that sharing my seemingly meaningless ideas about Life, Love, Music, Poetry, etc. is the only way to filter the profound realizations from the menial ones. If I did not have this outlet, I would think that all of my thoughts were menial; thus halting my emotional growth. We can't have that, now can we?

That being said, I am back. I will try to post on a regular basis, even from my phone (designated by the "Transitioning on the go" signature at the bottom of such posts).

Thank you, in advance, to all of my friends that I know will read my posts and give their truly honest (albeit sometimes harsh) opinions. If you have any thought please feel free to leave a comment!

New Home

2007-06-12T02:52:00.000-07:00

So Ostentatious Sophism shall be relocating to a new home at http://www.blog.davemacias.com as of Friday June 15th, 2007. The blog will become an interweaving part of a complete website design that I am doing and have almost completed. This means that the blog will no longer be hosted on blogger.com. I will be better able to update this way, and it allows me to take full use of my new mac! That is all . . .

New Blog

2007-06-10T17:57:00.000-07:00

I have decided that my views on how to make my life better do not belong on this blog. The way that I want to express them would not mix well with the cynicism that I portray here. Thus, I have created a sister blog to this one; Blind Wanderings. Check it out!

The bed I have made

2007-06-09T20:29:00.001-07:00

So I submitted my blog to two of the webs most infamous blog review sites; Ask And Ye Shall Receive and I Talk 2 Much. These two sites review blogs and give very blunt (albeit sometimes harsh) opinions on everything from your blogs layout to content to frequency of posting. I will not spoil the surprise of reading for yourself, but one was so-so about this blog, and the other downright hated it! I am going to "keep-on keepin' on" as one of the reviews put it, and hope that either my writing improves, or they have a few to drink before my next review. I have also decided that I just plain enjoy blogging (that is the whole Ostentatious thing) so I will now do it more often. Also, be on the lookout for a new blog!

The Man

2007-06-07T12:40:00.000-07:00

I have been very tired recently. If you did not know I have gotten a new job as a "The Man" (as Fuzzy puts it) at the front desk at one of the largest Resort/Casinos in Reno. I am a Supervisor/Manager in training at the desk and it has exausted me. The job requires constant attention and it requires me to be there one half hour to fourty-five minutes after my shift every day . . . and that is if we are slow! I do not paint this sob story so you all will feel sorry for me, but I do it to show how much of a freak I am. I did a short 5hr shift at my other job (as a reservations specialist at another large property here in town) and I wanted to kill myself. It was so boring!!! I just sat there and took calls. There was no decision making; there was no guest complaints; there was no budgeting time. It was like being on Quaaludes. I have decided that this is how I exibit S&M qualities. I like the pain and frustration that come with being "The Man." I will be posting pictures of my work place soon so you can get an idea of how large it is. And these pictures will be before our $300,000,000.000 expansion. Check it out!

Video Tour

Europa

2007-05-13T09:11:00.000-07:00

So I completely spaced on telling everyone that I FINALLY loaded all 333 pictures from my trip to Europe on my website. If you would like to check it out, go to http://www.davemacias.com Feel free to comment about them below and please enjoy the pictures!

The Break's Over

2007-05-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

So it seems that I have taken April off from blogging. Believe me this was in no way intentional, but I see now that it was needed. A lot has happened since my last blog, but more importantly a lot has changed. After having my lovely girlfriend (Mz. Mraz) move in with me, I have not been so lonely. It is nice having someone other than my rabbit to come home to at night, (thought the rabbit is a way killer pet). This lack of loneliness started to make me think that I had no more to be sad or worried about (odd enough I think that this is why I stopped blogging for a while). Never the less, I felt great until the money problems hit. I started drowning in a world of debt and had no life jacket on. Life sucked once again. However this is where the change came in. Instead of getting really worried or stressed, I instead turned to Buddhism. In the teachings of the enlightened one, it says that one must remove their attachments to worldly desires. This includes money and stuff (stuff being a technical term). I need to try and have more of a 'Who Cares!' attitutude towards money woes. The Buddha was right when he said that nothing is permanent, that means that even if I was well off, there could be a chance that I would lose it, so I would be stressed and worried all of the time anyway, thus I would suffer. Most of my life I have suffered over one thing or another, but I think that it is time to stop. I have made a declaration to myself to stop being extreme in my emotions. I know that if I do not let myself feel extreme sadness, I will not feel it. I know that I am the master of only myself, but to be happy that is all I need. I see the real nature of this simple solution in everyone around me. I see my co-workers get upset at rude guests (I work for a 4 star resort, incase you didn't know) and then they have to 'take a break' to get over it. If they were able to see the light and realize that all they had to do was BE happy then they would not be sad. I mean it is such a simple but powerful concept that I feel that I should be telling the whole world about it. I will admit that it is hard at times, but at least I have accepted that it is the best way to reach peacefulness. I do not understand how people refuse to embrace this idea. No offence to my lover, but she is definatly still in the dark. When she is sad, she refuses to accept that she is sad for no other reason, except that she made herself sad. And when I try to tell her that, she get more upset. It is really hard for me not to laugh sometimes, because I see such a simple way out of it, that the problem that she thinks is ruining her life seems so small. I wish that I could show that to her, but the Buddha was right in saying that you can control non but yourself. So for now I will just settle for blogging about my beliefs and hope that someone reads and embraces them. It would be great if some of my guests would embrace them, then I would not have such a high turnover rate in the office!

VisualDNA

2007-03-25T09:41:00.000-07:00

Here is a little more on what makes me, me! Check out the profile page at the site I made it at, it is right on about me!

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Reset

2007-03-19T15:58:00.000-07:00

Imagine being picked up and thrown. Thrown all about your home (or tree if you live in berkeley). Imagine, for one moment, having your heart impailed on a knife while being thrown about your habitat. Once you have that mind blowing pain firmly wrapped around your psyche, then you will have a general idea of how my last relationship ended. When my ex cheated on me and left for another man, I thought that I was going to die (and in someways wanted to). I was knocked over sideways and thrown on my shell like a turtle, but I have been reset.

This past week I recieved a visit from cupid and he let loose a torrent of arrows right into my heart. My current girlfriend, Mz. Mraz, was visiting from afar from Sunday to Thursday and I am on cloud nine. She is amazing, beautiful, wonderful, and every other cliché-like adjective that you can come up wth. I love her and she loves me. The past seems so far away. The late night vomiting while crying and shaking, that once was, feels more like a dream than reality. I hope that she relizes how much I love her. I am head over heals for her and the only form of expression that accuratly depics how I feel is the song "Brown Eyes" by Destiny's Child. I love her world and I cannot get enough of her. I love life . . . .

"Brown Eyes"
by Destiny's Child

Remember the first day when I saw your face
Remember the first day when you smiled at me
You stepped to me and then you said to me
I was the woman you dreamed about
Remember the first day when you called my house
Remember the first day when you took me out
we had butterflies although we tried to hide
and we both had a beautiful night

The way we held each others hand,
the way we talked, the way we laughed
it felt so good to find true love
I knew right then and there you were the one
ohhhhhh,

I know that he loves me cause told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
When he stares at me you see he cares for me
You see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause its obvious
I know that he loves me cause its me he trust
and he's missing me if he's not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tell it so

Remember the first day, the first day we kissed
Remember the first day we had an argument
we apologized and then we compromised
and we've haven't argued since
Remember the first day we stopped playing games
Remember the first day you fell in love with me
it felt so good for you to say those words
cause I felt the same way too

The way we held each other's hands,
the way we talked, the way we laughed
it felt so good to fall in love
and I knew right there and then that you were the one

I know that he loves cause he told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
When he stares at me you see he cares for me
You see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause it's obvious
I know that he loves me cause it's me he trust
and he's missing me if he's not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tell it so

I'm so happy, so happy that your in my my life
and baby now that your apart of me
you've showed me
showed me the true meaning of love(the true meaning of love)
and I know he loves me

I know that he loves me cause he told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
When he stares at me you see he cares for me
You see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause it's obvious
I know that he loves me cause it's me he trust
and he's missing me if he's not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tell it so

He looks at me and his brown eyes tell it so

Know Thyself

2007-03-09T09:42:00.000-08:00

The famous words of Socrates now ring through one of your ears and out the other. What if you didn't just pass that thought like yesterdays lunch? What if, even for a second, you focused all of your thoughts inward? What would you come up with? (all of the questions seemed fitting considering the topic originator)

During my Western Civilizations class we started our "Rational Philosophy" section. To my delight, the professor is REQUIRING a Socratic discussion!! The rules are, "If you do not contribute to the discussion, you will fail the fucking class!" (his words, not mine). It makes me so happy to see a professor placing an importance on conversation. The class, however, is responding in the exact way that I thought they would; they are not coming to class and some are dropping the class all together . . . . fuckers.

The upside to the section is that I have really started looking at my self and learning more. I have come to a list of 'ingredients' that it takes to make David. The list is as follows (no particular order)

The love of life . . . all life. In order to be David one should be able to look at every situation, no matter how depressing, and see the knowledge and experienced gained during it. This does not exclude periods of raging crying, swearing, and vomiting (if the situation calls for it)
Social interaction. One must value the act of socialization. There is a lot of good things to be had in this world and the sad part is that they are not in you. I believe that all of the good in the world is located in other people. This brings me to the next point.
Value conversation. This has to be brought up again. By your self, you are pointless. You cannot grow, change, nor evolve. You are stuck in the endless cycle of normality . . . a.k.a. death. The only way to break that is through intellectual interaction with others in the form of conversation.
Be hedonistic. Just as was believed by that ancient Minoans, we must not forget the value in fun. Unlike all of the people out there that have Jesus' dick in their mouth, I believe that every choice that you make should be for your enjoyment. Yes, you can still give to charity, but realize that you are not "doing it for the kids," you are doing it because it makes YOU feel like a better person for it . . . IT IS FOR YOU.
Lastly, Always strive for more. Whether it be money, sex, booze, love, or food, you should never give up trying to attain it. In the great words of my Grandmother, "I do not care what you do Mijo, as long as you are the best at it."

I will be adding more points as I realize them, but I think that this is a good start. Think this over and see what you come up with. If it has some quality please post it as a comment, however, if I do not approve of it, I will delete it and ridicule you for your stupidity. . . .

All of you did this to me . . . . thanks, I needed it.

2007-03-09T09:25:00.000-08:00

I hit a road block. Ney, I hit it at mach 5. I really like to write and express myself via this wonderful medium, but I have not been able to do so whenever I thought about the readers. I had to get over the fact that there are actually people reading this e-rag and just let my self go. In light of that, I would like to announce that I am back to my usual self and with the normal David comes this disclaimer:

The views that I may express here are not intended to make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. I say what I want, when I want to say it, and if you do not like that you can go and take a long walk off of a short cliff. I reserve the right to bitch, moan, degrade, humiliate and generally act like a raging dickhead. I promise that I will always think about what I am saying and try and say it with some sort of intellectual merit. However, on the occasions that I do screw up, and you alert me about it, you will receive this response; "fuck off." By reading the spew that appears here, you accept these terms and conditions.

Bring it on world, I'm yours to fuck with . . . .

Words of Wisdom

2007-03-04T23:29:00.000-08:00

This just had to be said, it is how I live life:

"To laugh is to risk appearing a fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose one's feelings is to risk rejection.
To place your dreams before the crowd is to risk ridicule.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is
to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing,
Does nothing,
Has nothing and is nothing.
He may avoid sufferings and sorrows,
But he cannot learn,
Feel, change, grow, or love.
Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave.
He has forfeited his freedom.
Only a person who takes risks is free."

~Leo Buscaglia

Converse With Me

2007-03-02T15:50:00.000-08:00

I am living in a generation of people that do not realize what they have lost. Among talent, personal ambition, romance, and respect, my generation has lost the art of conversation. I know that the majority of the populace can talk. They can order a ninety-nine cent double cheeseburger from McD's, but there have been monkeys that can do that. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to be a grammar Nazi, mine can be pretty horrible at times! I just think that we need more deep, meaningful conversations in our every day lives. It seems that people have put a negative spin upon talking about subjects where there is no clear answer. Whether the topic is taboo or just complicated, people react in the same way; "I don't know about that, but have you heard about Brittany Spears' new hair cut?" I'm sorry, how could I make such a mistake, of course the hair style of some washed up has been blond bitch is more important that the human condition to constantly want. Never mind that the reason that I am paying for your meal is because of that exact tendency and your inability to control it. Fuck off.

I was having dinner with my best friend 'fuzzy' the other day and we were having a wonderful conversation on how deeply economic scarcity is embedded in our psyche. As he was trying to prove to me that humans do not need an economy, a gentleman seated at the table adjacent to us turned to fuzzy and politely said, "I do not mean to eavesdrop, but you are very wrong." After, I had a very long laugh, we continued to have an AMAZING conversation with this new gentleman and his dining partner. I still do not know their names or social status, but that does not matter. At that point in time all that mattered was the conversation and the thoughts being exchanged within it. This was the highlight of my week. I was floating on cloud nine for the rest of the evening, and can still get a little high from just the thought of it.

I guess I just want to surround myself with people that are happy conversing for the sake of the growth of the people of the conversation, not just to communicate. I do not think that I can find that in great enough quantity here in Reno, but I night be able to in Vancouver.

Lastly, fuzzy you are wrong. Humans have always and will always constantly want more and more until there is nothing left. Show me one instance where a *large* (key word here) group of people were able to live for a long period of time without scarcity? That's right . . . bitch . . .

Influence 2:

2007-03-02T15:40:00.000-08:00

I have finally finished a movie that I started on Decamber 27th, 2004. The movie is Requiem for a Dream and my assessment; Holy Shit!

When I first saw the beginning of the movie, it was around midnight and I was both high and drunk during my senior year of high school, so I could not pay that much attention, but I remember being disturbed by it. I remember that while I was watching it, thoughts of my family ran thorough my mind and the last thing that I wanted to think about while trying to make a move on a girl that I liked was my family. The written introduction of the move (as worded by netflix) stated that there was " No middle ground here; you'll either love or hate Requiem for a Dream." That could not be any fucking farther from the truth. The 'middle ground' that I am standing on right now is not know what the fuck I think of the movie. I know that because of it I have NO desire to do uppers and downers (christmas trees) nor do I care to shoot up. I have smoked weed and I can drink like a fish, but anything out side of that and you might as well stick barbwire up your ass; you'll get the same end results. I am not sure how many people out there have seen it, but if you have I would love to hear about your experience while watching it. I quite frankly could care less what the fuck you were doing unless it was interrupted by the complete shocking nature of the flick. Please comment below!

To Define

2007-02-26T10:25:00.000-08:00

os·ten·ta·tious (ŏs'těn-tā'shəs, -tən-):
adj. Characterized by or given to ostentation; pretentious. See Synonyms at showy.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

soph·ism (sŏf'ĭz'əm)
n.

A plausible but fallacious argument.
Deceptive or fallacious argumentation.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

Hopefully this will shed some light as to what I write about.

Blue Skys, and Cloudy Minds

2007-02-22T17:08:00.000-08:00

The thoughts pile up in my mind as the water pools in my eyes. My pupils turn to into question marks and the sound of confusion floods my ears. I sit, surrounded by my desires, yet I cannot see what they are. I am feeling around my heart as a blind man feels his way through the world. My world is dark while my eyes are wide open. I cannot see past the shadow drawn over my minds eye. I once held the answers, and there was a time that the world was clear. However, that time has passed and the answers are gone. They left on a train at dusk for a far distant land. I knew as I saw the train pull from the station that, with it, went solution to the puzzles of my mind. Everyday after that I searched my heart for the key to my problems, but to no avail. I thought I had found it in the hidden darkness of a restaurant one glorious Friday night, but to my dismay it was no more than a weekend of excitement and a lifetime full of pain. "Maybe it ran from me?" I thought. so I turned north for the nest of this migratory beast, but I feel that what I saw was instead more questions. Could it be at the bottom of my coffee? I have seen the bottom of many a cup of coffee, and I am assured it is not there. So, I sit. I sit and I allow the tears and thoughts and questions and puzzles and darkness to engulf me and slowly digest me into nothingness. For this is the life that I lead, or am lead into. This is the forest that I am lost in with no one to show me the way . . .

Someone WILL Loose Their Job For This

2007-02-21T21:57:00.000-08:00

Today has been one hell of a day. I did the usual "go to class, sleep, dick around on the computer, insult fat people, come home" shit, but when I got home there was a surprise in my mailbox. No, I did not get an unexpected shipment of glow in the dark condoms from Rip n' Roll. I got a $1000.00 online shopping spree from Nissan of Reno. It is not the best deal, I still have to pay shipping, but I can get a full leather trench coat for $29.99 (anyone want one?).

After a great dinner with my father at Indian Kabab, I went home and checked my mail to find an out of place letter.

Before I continue, I must tell you about my follies to establish credit. I have been trying to establish credit since I was 18. My father has terrible credit, so having a co-signer was never an option. I was on my own to get a credit card. I have applied for every card that I thought that I could get, and was turned down for all of them. Finally about two months ago, I got a card offer from capital one and thought is odd seeing as just the month prior they had turned me down. I applied anyway hoping that there might be a slight chance in hell that I would get approved. Well, after that I forgot all about it.

It was not until today that I remembered it. I opened a letter that I got from Capital One telling me that I could increase my credit limit to $500 by using my card ending in **** (ya right, I am not retarded!). I was blown away. I thought to myself, "I have a credit card?!" After calling and confirming, I was approved for a $400 limit, preferred card one and a half months ago, and did not even know it. So they are sending me the Card via express mail and I will load it in to my wallet a happy person.

Someone is going to loose their job over this decision . . .

I Support Assisted Suicide.

2007-02-21T10:56:00.000-08:00

After sitting and listening to the scratchy, demanding voices come across my uncomfortable "ear-cuff," I have decided that I support assisted suicide.

For those of you that do not know, I work as a "Reservations Specialist" for a four-star (HA!) resort in Reno, NV. It is my job to listen to people ask for things that I know damn well they will not get in a lifetime, and them politely tel them 'no.' While this does provide a certain level of entertainment, it tires the soul after a while. There is only so much bitching and complaining that I can take before I have a desire to kill some one. However, I am also a pacifist (a bad one I guess) that does not believe in REALLY hurting anyone. So what does this leave me to fantasize about?

Assisted Suicide.

If these people wanted me to kill them then I would not be breaking my moral code. That is the best thing about morals . . . because you set them, you can re-set them any time that you desire! But that still leaves the problem of them wanting to die . . .

My plan is to point out all of their flaws and inadequacies until they cannot take life anymore and request death. I know that this is a long shot but it is worth it.

Last Meme For a While:

2007-02-21T09:46:00.000-08:00

Love and Dishsoap
by Nicole

"I would walk through hell for you

And stop halfway

To reflect on how much I love you

And to pick up milk and bread from the store

I can wash away your sins

And the laundry

I'd find you at the depths of the ocean

And my heart

And I'd find your lost necklace on the way

Wipe your tears

And the kitchen counters

I'll mend everything inside you

Pick up your pieces

And replace the lost ones with my own

While I'm at it

I'll get to your socks and old tee shirts

Fix you

And myself

And the dining room chair"

After reading this I sat and thought for a very long time. I have decided that this is real love. This is the love that we should all be striving for. To be with someone who sees your love as so honest and true, that they find romance in doing the every day-to-day is living with extreme bliss. I believe that I see this kind of person in Mz. Mraz. She is so sweet and wonderful that I do not really remember the pains of the past. When we talk, I just want to be with her and live life with her. I want an everyday love. So, the next time you are contemplating love, throw this into the equation and see what you come up with . . . .

Personal Meme:

2007-02-20T12:32:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture of me in my new hat. I love this hat, it will now become part of me. Enjoy the sexiness!

I do not know if I like the backwards look, it will take a while to decide.

The Temperature of the water

2007-02-16T12:32:00.000-08:00

So here is the plan for the life shifting event that I want to undertake. I want to move because it is overall a better choice for me. The schools are better than in Reno, the Clark Community College wants to give me 1,500 dollars to debate for them for a year. Also, the jobs are better. I could get a job with the embassy suites in reservations for $11.50 an hour. The job would be just outside of Vancouver in Portland OR and that is quite a bit more than I make now. Also, I have an opportunity with a possible love interest up there, which (as you all should know) is very important to me. Overall, I cannot find a downfall to Vancouver . . . save one; my wonderful friends. Fuzzy, Kattitude, Kaninka, Shananaginz, and all of the people at the Dojo are going to be so hard to leave. I am also going to live farther from my Dad than I have ever lived before and this scares me.

I need a change though, I feel like this city is drowning me in a pool of its filth. I see so much behavior that I do not agree with. For instance, I was on the bus during VD and I overheard a woman BRAGGING about how she duped her boyfriend into thinking that she was going to be at her mothers while she was actually cheating on him at the Adventure Inn!!! I thought to myself, "While sad, I will find this behavior anywhere I go." However, when I heard FOUR OTHER WOMEN brag about how, they too, would be cheating that day, I realized that this has to be a product of a town where nothing is sacred. Everything is an illusion in Reno, nothing has meaning. People that come here do not want a real and caring environment, they want cheap sex, booze, and entertainment. Not only are the people that live here more than happy to give that, they end up living that life style themselves. I am soooo sick of this mentality in a populace. I do not think that I can take this for another five years, until I am done with my Masters. I want to live in a community where the main purposes are education (college town), and raising a family (white picket fence idea). I see this in Vancouver. I have some friends that live there and I have studied the town extensively and have decided that I could be happy there. The real test is going to be when I visit over spring break and see if I like the environment and 'feel' of the town.

As far as the logistic of the move go, I am still looking at ideas. If any of you have any suggestions, please let me know!

Damn, I'm going to miss my friends . . .

Enjoy this VD!

2007-02-14T09:53:00.000-08:00

Today is the day. This day is the day that Hallmark rejoices as their sales go up and their pockets are lined with shimmering gold. Today, people in relationships buy lovely gifts for one another and express what they believe as their true feelings. Lies. Here is the truth about V-Day.

Today is singles awareness day. In case you did not realize that you were single before today, you will know now. As all of the couples are prancing around holding hands and showing massive PDA, you will be wallowing in a pile of your own self pity. Do not get me wrong, I would do the same thing if I were in a relationship, because it is not depressing until you are single. During these times of sadness and despair, we all could use with a few words of wisdom. Those words come from my Sensei

"Dave, all the happiness you need is in your head. You could be kissing a really ugly woman with warts and pimples and all sorts of gross things growing out of her face and still be happy. All you have to do is be happy up here (points to head). This is Aikido." Thank you Sensei, thank you. This is the mentality that we all must have to be happy, even if only in our minds.

That being said I want to wish everyone a very happy Valentines day. May love transcend all levels of your life whether you are with the super model of your dreams, or Ms. Wart-Face. And remember . . .

When everything gets down to it's basic animal beginnings . . . get a room!

Conversations

2007-02-14T08:52:00.000-08:00

Here is an AIM conversation that I had with a great friend of mine. I think it carries a real message . . .

[08:43] blade901874 (her): no I hate ALL japnese animation, except Final Fantasy and those games
[08:43] supersophist (I): I do not care for them either, but I would not say that I HATE them ...
[08:44] blade901874: I HATE them I really do
[08:44] blade901874: I spend enough time around people who are obsessive with them that it actually drive me across the line into hatred
[08:45] supersophist: "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned."
[08:45] supersophist: lol
[08:45] blade901874: *shakes head and rolls eyes*
[08:46] supersophist: Dislike is ok however
[08:46] supersophist: HAHA
[08:46] blade901874: no I really hate it
[08:46] blade901874: every time I see some, it makes me want to throw a kitten into a ceiling fan
[08:47] supersophist: HAHAHA, you are so cruel . . . it is great
[08:47] supersophist: lol
[08:47] blade901874: lol yep
[08:47] blade901874: but its true
[08:47] blade901874: throw a puppy into traffic
[08:47] blade901874: kick a baby into a snake pit
[08:47] blade901874: pick your poison
[08:47] supersophist: For the baby?
[08:48] blade901874: no pick which one you want out of those
[08:48] supersophist: *shakes head* nvm
[08:49] blade901874: yea so you see I hate it
[08:49] supersophist: I got that by the third dead creature
[08:50] blade901874: yea

The moral of the story? No matter how you express it, Japanese animation is intolerable.

Testing the water with both feet

2007-02-10T22:40:00.000-08:00

"You are the person who has to decide.
Whether you'll do it or toss it aside;
You are the person who makes up your mind.
Whether you'll lead or will linger behind.
Whether you'll try for the goal that's afar.
Or just be contented to stay where you are."

Where am I? Is the goal worth striving for? Do I really want to leave it behind? What will I be leaving behind? Reno. Reno is a very sad and dirty little town. The people (aside from a few) are shallow, inconsiderate pricks. The weather sucks and the jobs suck even more. The schools are not exactly top notch and most of the professors are like third string QB's getting to play on ESPN for the first time. What is here for me? Well, there are my wonderful friends (the few from above). There are painful memories of one love lost and another never achieved. There is a go-nowhere job for an industry that I cannot stand, with a paycheck that can barely keep the lights on. Ahead of me lies the possibility of a future with the love of my life, a well paying job for someone other than Satan, and an environment focused on creativity and education. What holds me back? Insecurity. Am I good enough for this place? Will I have the skills enough to survive? These questions all rush through my head like a series of hurricanes. The answers however, are hidden deep inside of my heart, where only my meditative inner eye can see them. It is life's ironic joke that the time that I need this eye the most to see, it is blind. You are right Edgar Guest, I am the one who has to decided. I will lead and not be left behind. I am left with no other choice, I must dive in blind and test the waters with both feet.

I am moving to Vancouver, Washington.

Life City Limits. Population: Lonely

2007-02-03T23:53:00.000-08:00

There she is, right in front of me. She is always right in front of me. All I have to do is close my eyes and she appears in all of her angelic glory. She is always mouthing the same thing to me . . . "I love you."

Whenever I need to escape from the world, I know that I can look inside my eyelids to repeat this image over and over. Alas, it is but a dream, but my love for her still burns inside of me like a wild forest fire. I have opened the doorway of my heart, inviting her in but she choose instead to stand in the cold with the familiar, the comforting, the status quo. The door is still open, but I can feel the heat escaping evermore each day. I do not know how much longer this can continue before the heat is gone and the heart is dead. I do not want to give up . . . I cannot give up. I know that if I can hold out long enough, she will see the true passion that I can give her and she will begin to appreciate it. If I close the door again, I fear that it will be for a final time.

The view of her and her every move keeps replaying in my minds eye. I see her gracefully gliding across the room, or beautifully speaking the silky soft words of her native tongue. That laugh is always echoing in the hallowed corridors of my gutted chest, while those wonderfully inviting eyes melt away all of my worries and allow me to just enjoy the pure presence of her heavenly being. This is not just a passionate love, this is compassionate. This is heartbreak. This is life, welcome to it . . .

Being Honest

2007-02-02T07:57:00.000-08:00

I read a lot of blogs. I read them because I believe that deep philosopical thought and discussion have been lost to our culture. I also believe that blogs are the first step to bringing that form of social interaction back to life.

Also, they are ostentatious. Here is something that I found at the blog PostSecret

Self Destruct

2007-02-01T16:04:00.000-08:00

I think that I am in love. In fact I know that I am in love. How do I know this? I could give you the usual "you just know' answer, but I always thought that to be a cop out. I know that I am in love because I feel pain. When I am not near the person that I have fallen in love with, I feel pain. This pain tells me that I am in love and that all I want to do is express that love. The other big reason that this love causes me pain, is that I cannot have her. She is in a relationship that she has been in for a while, and probably be in for quite a while. Isn't it just like life to finally allow me peace from my last relationship, just so I can fall for a taken girl? I have always believed that life only gives you what it thinks you can handle, however, I think that it missed it's mark this time and over shot. I do not know what I am going to do, but until I decided, I am being eaten alive . . .

Napkin Picture

2007-02-01T15:09:00.000-08:00

The Epic Hero: Part Four

2007-01-30T15:14:00.000-08:00

Many people think that the circle of life is Birth, Death, and possibly re-birth. The people that have this view are not wrong but not looking deep enough. The cycle of life is happiness and sadness, joy and pain, yin and yang. To care for someone so deeply , but constantly feel pain because you cannot be with them, is an example of this 'life.' These thoughts flash through our Hero's mind as he is spiraling towards the ground. In the blink of an eye, he went from flying high with hope in his corner, to rock bottom; again hand on trigger. "Why continue?" He asks himself as he stares down the barrel of the gun.

"I have given my heart twice. I have let my guard down in two situations, both of which left a bitter taste in my mouth."

No one responds.

"I am willing to give everything into the power of hope, while others are only willing to give 10-20%. Why, then, am I always being told that it is not what is wanted?"

No one responds.

"Does hope really only waste its time fulfilling the lives of people that don't even try and meet it half way?"

No one responds. No one ever responds. Little does our Hero know it, but he is completely alone. His thoughts and words are not much more than a waste of time and space. No one will ever respond because that is the nature of love. The river that is his emotion has the current of great white rapids. No one will ever know what it is like to feel that river flowing though ones heart day in and day out, without anyway to prevent it from flowing over and drowning them in a pool of their own love . . .

The Epic Hero: Part Three

2007-01-29T10:22:00.000-08:00

The rain falls upon his head as he stands in deep concentration, unable to move. Just as the heavens open up, and pour a waterfall onto the earth, our Hero looks up and sees a most peculiar object. The women of his desires is flying. Each day our thoughts swirl around our mind as water in a whirlpool. I see her doing a backstroke through the current of my mind as if in the calm waters of an evening bath. Her eyes are closed and her arms are out; she is flying. No, she is floating, floating high above the earth and all of its problems like a balloon. To our Hero however, she is right above his head, not wanting to leave this melancholy world without him. He reaches up and is carried away by his own lightheartedness . . .

(Image courtesy of Andre Jordan - http://www.abeautifulrevolution.com)

The Epic Hero: Part Two

2007-01-28T15:45:00.000-08:00

The hand of hope rests upon the quivering finger of despair, slowly pulling it off of the trigger. Upon the initial touch, our Hero remembers the warm feeling of having someone so close and so dear to his heart. He sits with the weapon of darkness by his side as he holds on to the one ray of sunshine that has penetrated the shadows clouding his heart. We all have a wall, an iron curtain if you will, around our emotions, protecting us from pain. This curtain keeps humans from acknowledging out true emotions and feeling the agony of life. The Hero is dropping that curtain and is ready to give his heart to her. He then turns to confess his love, but the hope is gone, she disappeared in the night. He spends some time staring into the darkness, remembering the joy that he once felt; the joy he must feel again . . .

The Epic Hero: Part One

2007-01-28T00:12:00.000-08:00

First the feeling of being uncomfortable. This does not last too long as it is replaced quickly by the desire to be closer. After a period of not quenching that thirst, the desire transforms into a longing. You long to hold and be held, to cry while laughing instead of just crying. The real problem begins when the longing makes it way to depression. Every thought in your mind is centered on a future of loneliness and sadness. You try and act happy even when the rivers of fire that are your desire find their way to your tear ducts and you have to do everything in your power to keep the pain inside. The smile that is given hides the true tale of a hopeless romantic. The story always begins with hero, down on his luck and ready to end it all. As he is about to pull the trigger, a hand is placed upon his and draws his finger off the weapon. The hand is hope, the hope for something better. At first our hero is unsure, he has been hurt by this hope before. What drives us forever back to the cycle of pain when the moments of joy are far and few between? We are driven by moments of joy that are so amazingly strong that we could not live without them. I go out of my way to spend time with her for that one smile, that one glance, or that one giggle that makes everything else that I did that day worth it. It is true that hopeless romantics are really hopeless; that hopelessness is everything. If I have to feel the long periods of hopelessness just so I am allowed to look in to her eyes, even if just for a couple of seconds, and feel that moment of joyous connection, then I will suffer gladly through this bittersweet symphony. If there is one reason that I have been put on this earth I know that it has to be located somewhere deep in those beautiful eyes, framed by that short blond hair, coming from a head located on a body shaped by God himself. I know that if I hold out long enough I will be granted access to the esoteric knowledge that keeps me awake night after night . . .

Thoughts of the past

2007-01-26T01:49:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking of the past a lot lately. I do not know what happened, really. In hindsight I see things like this: 1. I was in a great relation and planning to spend the rest of my life with 'apples' (the name I am giving for my ex), 2. I am left for an affair and the dream ends, 3. I 'find' myself (spiritually and mentally), 4. I fall for a girl that I cannot have (Poland), 5. I meet another girl that seems perfect in every sense (Ms. Mraz), 6. I cannot get over Poland enough to see what could be with Ms. Mraz.

I have named this the "Six step program to loosing one's mind." I really do not want to give up on Poland, I have not felt so right since I was with apples. I just cannot feel that child-like butterfly feeling with Ms. Mraz while I still have Poland on the brain. While talking to her last night I was relaxed and caught up in her all at the same time. It is exactly how I felt when we first met. I do not know what I need to do, but I think that it involves meditation and sleep . . .

Decisions

2007-01-23T09:09:00.000-08:00

It never fails. As soon as I think I have everything in my life figured out (except for that damned rubrics cube!) something comes up to rock my world. I have been in contact with one of my good friends sister (for the sake of privacy, I will call her Ms. Mraz). I am really starting to have feelings for her and we seem to get along really well. This all seems well and good until I say that she lives in a different state. This is the part where my best friend, fuzzy, tells me to move on and not to get too attached. That would them make this the part where I do not listen to him, and go and to something crazy and off the cuff; like move to Washington. I have been wanting to move for a while, but did not have motivation enough to do so, until now. Here I stand with a great apartment, a great job, great classes, and the only thing that I can think about is moving. Is there something mentally wrong with me that I have to run away from the normal? (don't answer that, fuzzy . . . ) The only thing currently keeping me here is that I have not spent any real time 'with' Ms. Mraz, only time on the phone and a lot (and I mean A LOT) of texting. Also, I guess that I am not quite over the crush I have on mystery girl (here and after, 'Poland'). I just got back in touch with her again and I still get the butterflies. However, once again, I was let down after being ditched. She makes the second girl in a month that has flaked when we were going to meet. The other girl that did it, 'Java,' did it three times before I gave up. I cannot give up on Poland, however, it is just to hard. She is just so sweet and amazing . . .

Washington is looking better every day . . .

Pandora

2007-01-17T09:58:00.000-08:00

I have fallen for a girl, a girl named 'Pandora.' Hold on before you alert the press and call in the marching bands, please note that I have never meet this girl and I will never see her again. Why then, you might ask, have I fallen in love with her? Let me explain . . .

January 8th was my fathers birthday. As custom for either of our birthdays we went to Outback steak house for dinner. While waiting for our food I overheard a conversation 'Pandora' was having with her date at another table. She was expressing how she really like to date people that enjoy just going out and doing this outrageous thing called TALKING. She said that too many people just want to go a movie and not talk to the other person and say that it was a great date. However, the purpose of dating is to find out who you are compatible with and if they are your soul mate or not. I could not agree with her more. One of my biggest frustrations with women of my age, around Reno, is that they are too shallow. They just want the mindless movie and giggling. I am sick of women like that and it almost turned me off to dating until I was in another town. Then I saw 'Pandora.' I call her 'Pandora' because she was wearing a very witty white t-shirt that said just that on it. Now get this straight; I do not really love her. I fell in love with the possibility of women like her. She revived the hope of intelligent love within me. Since then I have happened upon a few women that are witty, smart, funny, and can actually converse on a human level of thought. I now have hope that even my love life can be more like the caustic nature of Igby . . . Life is good.

Influence

2007-01-08T10:13:00.000-08:00

I rented a great movie the other day that made me want to share my pathetic thoughts with you (all two of you . . . if I am lucky). The movie was 'Igby Goes Down'

I have now seen this movie three times now and it still holds a place as one of my five favorite movies of all time. Not because of some neo-political point that it makes (though I could make one from it). I do not love it because of the extremely beautiful and wonderful Claire Danes. Nor do I love this movie because of its gripping story line. I love this movie because of the caustic, albeit hilarious, one liners. The writers of this script should be canonized for their grip of cunning linguistic debauchery. Here are some examples of what I am talking about: (thanks to IMDb for the use of their great resource)

Sookie: What kind of name is 'Igby'?
Igby: The kind of name that someone named 'Sookie' is in no position to question.

D.H. Banes: I believe, umm, that certain people in life are meant to fall by the wayside; to serve as warnings to the rest of us; signs posts along the way.
Igby: To where?
D.H. Banes: Success.
Oliver: Our father would be a 'slippery when schizophrenic' sign, for instance...
[pause]
Oliver: ... along the highway of life.

Igby: She's a dancer who doesn't dance and her friend is a painter who doesn't paint. It's kind of a Boho version of the Island of the Lost Toys.

Igby: Oliver is majoring in neo-fascism at Colombia.
Oliver: Economics.
Igby: Semantics.

Igby: How many Vassar professors and intellectual theologians beget nymphomaniacal, pseudo-Bohemian JAPs?
Sookie: I am not a JAP.

Igby: It's ironic that the first time in my life that I feel remotely affectionate for her, is when she's dead.
Oliver: You beat up her corpse.
Igby: I know, but after that.

Oliver: [on Igby] I think if Gandhi had to spend a prolonged amount of time with you, he'd end up beating the shit out of you, too.

Sookie: You call your mother "Mimi"?
Igby: "Heinous One" is a bit cumbersome.
[Sookie nods]
Igby: And Medea was taken.

Sookie: You know what I think when I'm this close to another body? I think one day at one moment... this body that I'm holding in my arms will stop breathing... stop living. Just... stop. One day you'll happen upon my name in the obits and you'll remember this moment when we were so close.
Igby: You're a real fuckin' upper.

Sookie: Dimebag... well that got your attention.
Igby: Pavlov's pothead... I hear the sound of a bong clink and my eyes begin to water.
Sookie: That's funny.

Igby: Can we go back to your mom's apartment and have sex?
Sookie: No! You think that'll make you feel better? It won't. It'll just make you feel really empty and sad. You're better off masturbating.

Igby: Are you a vegetarian?
Sookie: Why would you ask that?
Igby: I've just never seen anybody roll a joint like that.
Sookie: What does that have to do with being a vegetarian?
Igby: Oh, they're just so precious.
Sookie: I roll perfect joints.
Igby: I'm not putting them down, they're incredible.
Sookie: Well, thank you.
Igby: It's incredible that a human being can make such neat, little joints.
Sookie: You make it sound as if I'm anal or something, just because I know how to roll a perfect joint.
Igby: No, not anal. Vegetarian.
Sookie: Well, what does that mean?
Igby: Well, you don't roll like, big rasta spliff joints, do you? Your joints are like salad joints, not like a big, sloppy, bleeding cheeseburger-that-you-rip-into-kind-of-a-joint joint.
Sookie: I guess marijuana isn't a visceral experience for me. Sex is for me.
Igby: Right.
Sookie: Ok, so I am a vegetarian, but for purely moral reasons.

Peeka: Lucky Charms?
Igby: What?
Peeka: Fucking Lucky Charms!
Igby: I don't know.

Sookie: [to and about Ollie] You're the fascist brother.
Igby: He prefers young Republican.

These are just *some* of the amazing quotes from this movie; a movie that all must see. However, I feel more than love for this movie. I believe that, for me, this was a life changing event. I have always thought of myself as something more than the average human being. I know that this sounds fucked up but I feel that I have something that not many other people have; the ability to turn my "give-a-fuck' off at anytime. I can say things without regret or remorse. I also tend to say witty things that make people laugh and also cry at the same time. Moreover, I cannot be offended. The only problem with that is that I then tend to offend people, but then I just turn off my "give-a-fuck," and it doesn't matter. Am I my own fucked up version of a sophist? Fuck . . .

A Tale of Hopeless Romance

2007-01-05T14:37:00.000-08:00

Boy meets girl.
Girl smiles at boy.
Boy falls for girl.
Girl has boyfriend.

Boy sees a bad relationship.
Boy feels all relationships that are not with him are bad.
Boy want relationship with girl.
Girl knew nothing of this.

Boy tried to get over girl.
Boy tried to hangout with other girls.
Boy failed horribly.
Girl knows non of this.

Boy lost control.
Boy told girl that he liked her.
Boy felt terrible, but relieved.
Girls started to ignore boy.

Boy is a hopeless romantic.
Boy feels that it will all work out in the end.
Boy feels that the end is really far away.
Girl does not seen to care.

Girl stays with boyfriend.
Girl talk lightly with boy.
Girl does not want to admit any feelings for boy.
Boy does not want her to.

Boy sits on friends couch crying over 2 years never achieved.
Boy wants to be with someone and let the past be the past.
Boy cannot think straight while head over heals for girl.
Girl knows non of this.

Boy is lost.
Boy is alone.
Boy wishes to be found.

Shakespere said:
" . . . O learn to read what silent love hath writ,
to hear with eyes,
belongs to loves fine wit."

Boy agrees.

My Europe Trip

2006-12-18T11:28:00.000-08:00

For those of you that don't know, this past summer I went to Europe for two and a half weeks with a friend of mine. I did not have this blog at the time so I just emailed everyone about my wanderings. Now that I have it I am just going to copy and paste the emails that I sent to everyone here. C'mon, you all know how lazy I am, did you expect anymore?!

Email #1:
"Yay for Europa! I am having the time of my life here! This is my trip so far:

-Monday the 7th: Arrive in Paris, find Mary-Ann, go to the hostel to check in, go to the arch de triumph, go to the Eiffel tower, go to the louvre, go to St. Chapel's Cathedral, and go to Notre Dame. I am sure that I am forgetting things but I will supplement this later with pics.
-Tuesday the 8th: Left Paris and went to Versailles and had a blast. The palace of Versailles is where they signed the treaty of Versailles ending WWII. Moreover, MA's like greatx5 grandfather was the first painter\decorator to king Louis XIV, so alot of the art work is done by him.
-Wednesday the 9th: Took a sleep train from Paris to Nice and arrived early morning. I have to say that Nice is one of the most beautiful city's that I have ever seen. There is not much to do but it would be great to live there. This is where I have the most pics from. I mean c'mon, it is right on the French Rivera!
-Thursday the 10th: Took a sleep train to Veneizia. This one was nice. It had a sink, a mirror, no screaming kids . . . In Veneizia we went to The Basilica and cathedral for St. Marco, we had Pizza and Gelato for the first time in Italy! It is soooooooooooooo good! My favorite Gelato is Lemone! Then we went to our hostel that has a bar in it. After taking full advantage of that we went to bed.
-Friday the 11th: Took a 5hr day train to Roma. Got in to town, checked in. After this we met with a few friends for some drinks and I met two Americans from san fran and to guys from Holland. After bush bashing for a while (NO ONE here likes him), we retired to our beds.
-Saturday the 12th: We got up and hit the town running. We went to the Vatican and saw the Sistine Chapel, St. Peters Basilica, Michelangelo's dome, and the Rafael Rooms. The line to get in was like 1.5 miles long, wrapped around 3 walls of the city and took us 1.5 hours to get through. After that we hit Trevi Fountain, the Spanish Steps, and the really cool Cappuccin Crypts wherein these monks have taken the bones of the deceased and made a mosaic with them on the walls, I have a post card since we could not take pictures. When we got back to the hostel we got changed and turned right back around to go with our new found friends to a pub crawl. These things are great! I paid 20 euro to have all you can drink beer wine and cocktails from 9pm-10pm. I had these drinks in the Plaza in front of the Colosseum! After that we hopped to 5 different bars and pubs where you got a free shot at each bar and reduced prices because you were with the crawl. Needless to say "I came, I saw, I crawled!"
-Today the 13th: We got a bit of a late start after last night, but we went to the Pantheon, the Roman Forum, The Colosseum, and the Circus Maximus There was sooo much to see that I could have spent 3 days here. Now we are waiting for our train to leave for Florence. Over all it has been a great trip but I am tired. I will write again soon but now I must go catch a train! Caio!"

Email #2:
"So here is ths story of how I almost died in Florence:

-Sunday the 13th: We got on a train late at night to go to Fireneza station SMN. We then had to take another night train to Figline Valdarno, a little backwoods town outside of Fireneza. We then (being the able students that we are) missed our stop and ended up in San Giovanni a 20 min. drive from Figline Valdarno and no way to get there. The trains had stopped, the bus had stopped, there were no taxis, and no metro. We were screwed. Then out of no where these 2 Italian guys and an Italian girl came up and asked if we were ok. We told them what happened (they did not speak very much English and my Italian is worse), they offered to give us a ride to our hostel site for 20 euro (26 USD). It was soooo weird because it was like 1am here and these ppl were just offering us a ride. I was reluctant but I decided to do it. Everything turned out fine and they only charged us 10 euro because they were nice but it was still creepy and I thought I was going to die that night, lol. The funny ending to the story is that today the 14th we were at the Cathedral de Santa Croche (where Michelangelo is buried) and we saw them again! Over all they are good people but I will be worried if I see them in Bern, Switzerland! Well I am off to get some great Pasta and catch a train to Bern but Ciao for now!"

Email #3:
"So my new favorite place in the world is the haufbrahaus in Munich! Only in a place this great can a person get one liter of awesome beer, four sausages, mashed potatoes, kraut, and all of the drunkin' singing Germans they could ever want. I was in heaven.

However, I did do other things in Munich. I went to this castle (the name I am not going to try and spell) that was the inspiration for the Disney land castle, it was beautiful. Also we went to the Dachau camp that was the first Nazi camp of WWII. It was so sad to see the things that went on there. Now it is off to Berlin to see the wall and other cool stuff but I hope everyone is ok and safe and I will write again soon!"

Email #4:
"So my trip has come to a close. I am in an Inet Point in London right now killing time before my train leaves for Paris. I will then spend a night in Paris, then my flight will take off for the states. Now where did I leave off . . .

Berlin-In Berlin we did a good few things. We started the day off at 5am in a cafe in the train station where we planned our day . . . for two hours. At 7am we walked to the Brandenburg Tor (gate). The gate is the symbol of Berlin and became the symbol of the wall during the cold war. This gate was the place that everyone celebrated at when the wall 'came tumbling down.' we also saw the Parliament and it's big glass dome, the wall it self, Europe's largest dept. store, and a really cool street fair. Over all, Berlin is a town with a lot of history and too much to see!

London- After about 15hrs on two trains we ended up in London. Here we truly flew through the town. We started off by going to the British library and seeing all sorts of famous stuff. We saw that Magna Carta, some of the original Bibles, the original Alice in wonderland, some music composed my Mozart and Beethoven, and the original Bible printed on the Gutenberg Press. Then we went to the London eye (worlds largest Ferris Wheel, it takes 30minutes to go around and is 450 feet tall!), and got some great shots of the city. After that we crashed and got ready for the next morning. That morning we went to Buckingham palace for the changing of the guards, then we went and got the classic picture standing next to the guards that don't move or blink. After that we went on an open top bus tour of the city where we saw some of the lesser known sights. Then we got off at Parliament to see Westminster Abby and Big Ben. Then we got on to a river boat down the Thames where we saw London Bridge, Tower Bridge, Shakespeare's Globe Theater, and the Tower of London. After that we rushed over to St. Paul's Cathedral and bounced to Abby Road (can't forget the Beatles!). We then went to a traditional London play called the Mousetrap. This play is the longest running play in history at 54 years at one theater. It was a classic murder mystery and it was great. After that we got a Pimms and a beer at a local pub called the Bear and Staff and made it home to bed.

This is my trip so far but I will try to write in Paris but if I can't I will write when I get back! Bye everyone!"

Email #5:
"I am home again and classes have started. I friend of mine told me that Europe is an addiction. Once you pop the fun don't stop. I am going to start planning my next trip that I will take back in about 2.5-3 years. This time I will save more for the trip! Any way, thank you for all of your support everyone, it really meant a lot! I am glad to be home and am excited to see all of you again. Remember you have my email and all of my contact info is below, so make sure I hear from y'all. Also, my space is at http://www.myspace.com/maciasd if you want to see pics I will be loading different sets once I get all of them together. Have a great day and I hope to hear from you all soon!"

So there was my trip. It was the trip of a life time and I plan to go back as soon as possible. I will have pictures on my site as soon as my friend, Mary-Ann, gets them to me. Until then, cheers!

AAAAHHHH . . . 2006!

2006-12-18T09:46:00.000-08:00

Nuckin' Futs! The JibJab Year in Review

Random Picture

2006-12-17T18:51:00.001-08:00

This is a picture of me at work that my boss/good friend made me put up on my blog . . . she is a freak!

Merry Christmas

2006-12-11T12:12:00.000-08:00

So this is just to wish everyone a very happy holidays! I have been in an extremely festive mood today and I wanted to pass that on to all of you! I have a great classic Christmas CD if anyone would like it. It has 24 of some of the all time great Christmas songs of all time. I also have Katz great "Christmas with the Big Artists . . . OH YEAH!!!!!!! . . . :) Merry Christmas" CD if you would like it! Ok, that is it, go back to finals now!

Affairs of the heart

2006-12-09T09:06:00.000-08:00

I see a heart in your eyes.
I see my heart in your hands.

I see two paths.
One is the road less traveled.
The other is insanity.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
For the special ed: "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten."

I see a desire to be loved.
I see a cup that cannot be filled with just a trickle.
Your passion is for a passion as deep as yours.
My passion is for a passion as deep as mine.
Your passion is for a passion as deep as mine.
My passion is for a passion as deep as yours.

The unknown is unstable.
I do not know what will happen to the heart in your hands.
I do not know what he will do to the heart in your eyes.
I do know that I want to save both.
I do not know what you want.
I hope for the best.
Please do not let it be the worst.

"There's nothing better than affairs of the heart
To make you feel so good then tear you apart"

"Please Turn and Cough"

2006-11-29T22:53:00.000-08:00

Today, I am a man. Work has not been good to me this month. The money supply is low. To fix this I decided to sign up as a student patient for the University of Nevada, Reno's Office of Medical Examination (a.k.a. OEM). My job was to go into a cold clinical room, undress, and have six (yes I said six) first year medical students perform a genital and rectal exam on me. They were under the direction of a very nice and kind 4th year medical student, but it was still the most interesting thing that I have ever done. The genital exam was not that bad (with the exception of the hernia test. This is where they stick their finger in a guys genital canal, right behind the scrotum, and have you turn and cough), however the rectal exam was not as easy. The first years did not have the "touch" that they should have had. It was rough, it tended to burn sometimes, and one guy missed by TWO FULL INCHES! He hit the bottom of my balls! Now, I am not a medical student, but I at least know where a human rectum is. I am done ranting, I will go back to my normal poems now, but I had to tell that to anyone who cares.

p.s.-Incase you cared, I got paid $60.00 and hour to do it, so it was worth it for an extra $120.00!

Faces of One

2006-11-27T12:38:00.001-08:00

What is around the corner,
we may never know.
Yet we waste time staring in the darkness,
for a face that may never show.

We know the expression on the face for which we are searching,
for every moment of everyday in our dreams it is lurking.
The curiosity to find it cannot be rationed,
for the desire behind it is a deep, honest passion.

Lives have been spent in valiant search of this goal,
and on the face of the travelers it has taken it's toll.
Though their search and it's efforts would not be in vain,
There is a path to the grail that is easier to attain.

So let it be known,
that I declare this quest done.
For if you look in a mirror,
you shall find the one.

Leading the Way

2006-11-27T01:06:00.000-08:00

Some people see life as little more than a motion,
they want to get through each day with no commotion.

A tear is a tear,
and a smile a smile,
anything felt,
should last only a while.

Life lead this way is not life at all,
for life lead this way is nothing more than a stall.

Some people see life as a chance to proclaim,
that they love every moment including the pain.

A tear's not a tear,
and a smile not a smile,
for each is a chance,
to grow and inch or a mile.

Each breath that we take,
is proof we're not dead.
And every experience that we cherish,
is a life that's well lead.

Changing Stations

2006-11-27T00:50:00.000-08:00

The next few posts will not be written in my usual manner. I will be using the blog as a testing ground for a few poems that I have been writing. If I have any readers, I would love to hear from you. Thanks everyone!

p.s.-Thanks to my friend Erica for the title to this post! Check the original post out here

Pains of loosing

2006-11-23T03:38:00.000-08:00

Again, the words of others say a lot.
I am over my past.
i feel the need to read these things.
These things make me happy.

"Looking back I have
So many questions unanswered
What once was clear is now so blurred
A future assured cast now in doubt

Between us was an electricity
So filled that none could deny
An intensity such as this man
Has never before felt or will again

We shared common thoughts
Your dreams I thought I knew
My dreams you did know
My heart was held in your hands

All my years of pain now had reason
Anguish felt to better appreciate you
My heart knew never to let you go
To give you all of myself without reservation

Your voice calmed my darkest nights
Illusion was mine that I calmed yours
Hope brought into my darkest hours
Life brought to a dead soul

Was it all just an illusion before my eyes
What was my misstep that cost me your love
Was I imagining something that didn’t exist
Or was something precious destroyed for fear

Love and compassion offered to you instead
Of the pain and anguish he gives
A choice I thought would be simple
Now made inexplicable to me

This garden I offered you in ruins now lies
Without rhyme or reason
Paths destroyed hopes battered
Bridges burned in silence

I bid thee well on the road you take
Mine shall not be so easy
Filled with the memory of what could have been
And crushed by what never shall be"

Boredem

2006-11-14T14:14:00.000-08:00

To be board is the pits.
The pits are boring.
Staring at a wall is boring.
The pits have walls.

To be board is a part of life.
Life is boring.
Life hands you pain to end boredem.
Catch 22.

Work is boring.
Work does not happen enough.
A new job stops boredem.

I need a new wall in my pit.

Pains of Loving

2006-11-11T13:44:00.000-08:00

The quipist pays homage too.
When quiping just won't do.
Use quotes to see the world through others eyes.
Use quotes to see the world through my eyes.
See the world.

"I sit in my dark room lit only by a stray moonlight ray,
Enjoying the quiet darkness after a long hard day.
I can hear the rain as it falls from the sky to the ground,
And feel the sadness in my heart that you're not around.

Oh darling, I wish I could explain how I feel without you.
An empty shell with a desire that goes all the way through
Like the man whose life is without meaning or reward
For you are the center and are all that puts it into accord.

When I am away from you my soul hurts with an ache
There's no way that I can be happy, I can not even fake.
For you are my everything and all that keeps me going
More I am away from you, the more I feel it growing.

When you're with me, I feel so special each and every time
So wonderful that if any better, then it would be a crime
I know that you have other friends that force you to decide
But you never make me feel guilty, intruding or put aside

All that I feel from you is that I am your number one
It makes me smile cause I am the earth to your sun
You are the center with your sparkling eyes and smile
So when I touch you, it is like it is you and I on an isle.

I miss you so much sweetie that I can't explain how much
There is such a loneliness inside of me for your touch
My mind cries out to be with you no matter what the cost
Please hun, please understand that without you, I am lost

I am dying to hold you tight in my arms until the sun rises
To feel the warmth of your sexy body with all its surprises
My body remembers your scent and how it drove me wild
That scent has a passion and seduction but yet is so mild.

When I kiss that neck of yours, I feel a part of me reacting
It's a piece of me that I can not hide with any type of acting
If you could hug me close, you would know how I feel
You react with a smile and my heart you would steal

I feel your kisses on my neck as I think of your lips
I would pull you closer with my hands on your hips
Closer and closer to my body so there is no room between
Feeling kiss after kiss as I lovingly caress those blue jeans

So tell me sweetheart, can you tell that I miss you yet?
Can you tell that I want to be with you without regret?
So until I am with you again and feel your warmth to mine
I will miss you and look forward to the time when we dine."

Change

2006-09-25T09:55:00.000-07:00

3: "I hate to change"
2: "I love to change"
1: "I change"

BOOM!

Explosion of colors.
Clown is everywhere.
Explosion of feelings.
Human is everywhere.

Gay people do not have sex.
Gay people fuck.
I am not gay,
I like to have sex.
I do not like to fuck.
I am a straight romantic.

Depression hurts everywhere.
Depression hurts everyone.
Depression leads to booze.
Booze leads to blogging.
Blogging leads out of depression.
Psychologist are wrong.
Booze fixes depression.

BOOM!

Drinking

2006-09-19T00:03:00.000-07:00

To drink is an act of defeat.
You are defeated by the weakness inside of you.
The weakness grows by the sip.
It does not feel good to be defeated.

To drink is to give up.
It is to give up on living for one night.
Many people call this a release.
I call it a defeat.

To drink is to be me.
I do not like being drunk.
I am drunk every once in a while.
Everyone is defeated now and then.

To drink is to be reborn.
I am reborn with a hangover.
This makes me stronger.
Being stronger makes me want another drink.

The hangover keeps me from being an alcoholic.

Hangovers are my guiding force to balance.
Right now I cannot balance.

I need a hangover.

SNL Induced Thought

2006-09-17T00:34:00.000-07:00

I often create conversations in my head.
This is one of them.

Me: Hello how have you been?
Other Me: Good, how is life treating you?
Me: It only hurts when I laugh.

I hurt for a while after this.
I think the Other Me was my ex girlfriend in a conversation that I was hopeing would happen.

This made me hurt even more.

Death by life

2006-09-17T00:20:00.000-07:00

People die all of the time.
People are born all of the time.
Tears are shed over both.
A person should feel sad over the death.
A person should feel happy over the birth.
A human should feel nothing.

What is a quipist?
What is a human?
There you go.

The one who can let go of shock.
Shock is the hand across the face of life.
To be shocked is to not know what you truly have.
To be calm is to understand all.
Only then can you desire death.
Only upon yearning for death can you lean to live.

Life is not ended by death.
Death is not ended by life.
True LIVING happens when one embraces both and fails to care about either.

Humanity.

Money

2006-09-15T19:42:00.000-07:00

I like eating.
I like friends.
I like college.

Money is needed for all of these.

Pay for food.
Pay debts to friends to keep them friends.
Pay tuition and books.

Pay.
Pay.
Pay.

I do not like choosing.
Quiz time:

Paycheck-Bills-Food-School-Debt=?

TOTALLY FUCKED.
I do not like being like everyone else.
Everyone goes through this.
Everyone bitches about it too.
NOT everyone quips about it on a blog for the world to see.
Fucked feels good.

Tale of pointless pity

2006-09-14T18:20:00.000-07:00

The difference between shallow people, realists, and a quipist.
A realist sees an overweight individual and sees everything that makes the world compassionate.
A shallow person sees an overweight individual and sees their deepist fears.
A quipist sees neither.
The world is right because of the compassion felt by the realist.
The world is wrong because of the fear felt by the shallow person.
The world isn't because the quipist refuses to allow it.
Start story/ Two men/One woman/Weight/One fear/Fear of becoming/Fear of liking/One compassion/Compassion of understanding/Understanding onself/Outsiders/Shun fear/Embrace compassion/Assume peace/Third man/Insults woman/Shuns fear/Ignores compassion/Assumes nothing/Achieves peace/End story.
The realist believes that compassion will cause a change in fat.
The shallow person believes that cruelty will cause a change in fat.
The quipist knows that fat caused a change in the realist and the shallow person.

The start of the quipist

2006-09-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe the amount of people that I dislike in this world.
Every time I blink the number seems to grow without reason.
I am here to vent my disbelief at the amount of stupidity in this world.
See, being violent does not work well with a pacifist . . .