So I would like to post a quick salute to the author of The Martini Chronicles. I have been reading this blog for a while, and I love the style it is written in. The emotion is very raw, but funny (in a dry, British kind of way). I very much relate to the feelings that the author expresses, and I felt that I should share this gem of a blog. Thanks!
As many know, I am prone to changing my mind more often then my bed sheets. I "realize" things about myself, my friends, the world, etc. I wake every day unsure of what my mind may decided next. Well, I think it has made quite a few interesting decisions. Some may hurt, some may feel great, and all are sure to scare the hell out of me! I am slowly getting my life back together, and understanding what it means to be an adult. This, obviously, means that I have to do something to completely turn it upside down, just to keep me on my toes. This summer promises to be a roller-coaster of a train ride, except I have no clue what station I will end up getting off at. All i know is that I have my ticket and am ready to travel!
I have decided that I have a huge crush on the third girl (here and after called "********" or "****") that I cannot deny (unless it is to her...) Just thought you should know...
[EDIT: Aliases concealed after sobriety took over...]
So it is official, I have three (count 'em THREE) crushes. I have not felt a real crush in a while, so this is emotional progress for me.
One of them, I fully realize, is highly physical. I am very attracted to this girl and have to force my eyes off of her beautiful body. Do not get me wrong, I truly enjoy her company, but I do not feel that we are very compatible. We have extremely different interests, backgrounds, and lifestyles. I am not sure that I could sustain a relationship with her, so I do not think that I will pursue one.
The next one is someone that I know very little about. I have no idea if she is single, in school, living alone, etc. Hell, I do not even know her age! All I know is that her personality elates me. Talking to her and seeing her puts a smile on my face. I have gathered from speaking to her, that she is highly intelligent and know what she wants out of life. She exudes so much confidence that I do not think that I am going to pursue a relationship there either. I am quite sure that she is too good for me.
The last girl is the most interesting to me. She is smart, funny, gorgeous, and seems to be full of life. Her smile is something that would make the most callous and cold man melt with warmth. She has been through a lot, and seems to have fared well with the exception of companionship. She seems like someone that really needs a confidant and a friend. Now, I know that I am setting myself up to relive my past, but these are the girls that I like. I want someone that has been through purgatory and is now just waiting for someone to join them as they leave. However, I am fairly certain that she is not interested in me in the slightest, so I do not think I will pursue. Unless I get some sign from her that I have anywhere close to a shot, I am not going to waste the time of either of us.
Thus, my brain has computed and decided; again, I will be single.
Cracked.com has found the cure for depression, and I want to share the cure they posted in this article:
"You want to break out of that black tar pit of self-hatred? Brush the black hair out of your eyes, step away from the computer and buy a nice gift for someone you loathe. Send a card to your worst enemy. Make dinner for your mom and dad. Or just do something simple, with an tangible result. Go clean the leaves out of the gutter. Grow a damn plant."
Hello! Just as a side note, I want all of you to know that using torture as a means of interrogation is wrong regardless of the information that the witness may hold. While reading my daily political websites, I have noticed that a lot of the torture debate is spent deciding if torture is illegal or not. I think the legality of it matters not; it is immoral. In response to this interview between Liz Cheney and Eugene Robinson, Justmy2 from the Daily Kos had the following to say:
Video:
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Daily Kos:
"The saddest part was that none of these people were willing to forcefully say the we shouldn't torture people in any case. Apparently, according to Mika and Mike, if polls say Americans are willing to torture people, that means the President has the right to act illegally. Apparently, we are no longer a nation of laws, we are nation of polls and our leaders can do anything as long as they can convince the public that the end justifies the means."
This bothers me because it means that our democratic nature is telling us that it is ok to put men and women through extreme physical torture under two conditions: 1.) It makes your life better, and 2.) Your buddies all agree it is a good idea. This mindset is leading us down a dark and dangerous path. Eventually we will try and justify all of our actions by the ends they achieve and this will lead to a complete lack of morality. It will be ok for a man to beat his wife, if it meant she would never cheat on him again. It will be ok for a wife to cheat on her husband, if it meant that he would pay more attention to her. It will be ok to abuse your kids, if it meant they will get better grades in school. This slippery slope warning was also given by a little brown sage in India over 70 years ago. Gandhi argued that Indian independence was very important, but not without Hind Swaraj, or Home Rule. Home rule, as Gandhi saw it, was the ability for Indians to properly care for themselves. He wanted to establish a network of communities that spun their own clothing, harvested their own food, and did not believe in discrimination. He knew that independence was very important, but it was useless if it was achieved through violence. He proposed a new method called Satyagraha which involved achieving independence through Home Rule. He would fully understand that achieving something a sacred as national security was pointless if we did it through the means of torture. I believe it is high time we all understand this. I leave you with one of my favorite quotes by Ben Franklin:
"Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both."
Someone on this blog told me that the reason that I am so closed off to the rest of the world is that I have not found anyone that I find worthy enough to open up to. While I totally agree with this assessment, I know that there are people that I would completely open myself up to, if I knew that they cared. I found this quote on iGoogle this morning:
"An ostentatious man will rather relate a blunder or an absurdity he has committed, than be debarred from talking of his own dear person." - Joseph Addison
A big problem that I have is that I do not feel that the things that I have to share are worthy of anyones time. I know that I feel strong emotion, but why would anyone care what I am feeling unless they have a special interest in me? Inversely, how can I truly know that someone is interested in me (or potential to date) unless they know what I am feeling? This image comes to mind:
Eventually, I have a feeling that I will find someone that feels as right for me as I do to them, but that seems so far away. I know that all I can do is embrace simple patience and wait for it to happen, but I am not good at waiting. I have met many people that I would love to date, but (as always) they do not share my feelings.
"As an unperfect actor on the stage Who with his fear is put beside his part Or some fierce thing replete with too much rage Whose strength abundant weakens his own heart So I for fear of trust forgot to say The perfect ceremony of love's right And in mine own love's strength seem to decay O ercharg d with burden of mine own love's might O let my looks be then the eloquence And dumb presagers of my speaking breast. Who plead for love and look for recompence More than that tongue that more hath more exprest O learn to read what silent love hath writ To hear what eyes belong to love's fine wit!"
So I have realized (after a great nights sleep) that I push people away. I have always known that I make it hard to let people know me, but I always thought that I was pretty receptive to people in general. This chain of thoughts started last night as I was watching Bones on Fox. In last nights episode, Booth found out that he had a brain tumor and had to go into surgery to have it removed. There was great sadness from the entire team, but mostly from Bones. At the very end of the episode, Booth was about to go under, when the credits started rolling and BONES STILL DID TELL HIM HOW SHE FELT ABOUT HIM!!!! It was so depressing. It made me realize that I do that same thing on a daily basis because I am afraid of rejection. I will avoid telling women that I am interested in them because I fear reliving the pain of loosing "Apples.".
I pride myself in my extreme control over my emotions, but sometimes I wonder if it is causing me to miss the one thing I want most in life; someone to share it with. -- Transitioning on the go (iPhone post)
So after much debate with myself (including some odd looks from the people at Borders), I have decided to move Ostentatious Sophism back to blogger. Over the course of the next few weeks, I will begin moving all of my absentee posts from my server to the blogger servers for your archiving pleasure. Eventually I will be moving this blog to my server, but that is a little way away.
This comes as a realization that I need an outlet for my creative juices. I have felt ... smothered ... recently, and I do not enjoy it much. I have tried many times to deny it, but this Ostentatious nature of mine is actually healthy. I felt very narcissistic, in the past, about sharing my seemingly meaningless thoughts with all of you on the web. However, I have found that sharing my seemingly meaningless ideas about Life, Love, Music, Poetry, etc. is the only way to filter the profound realizations from the menial ones. If I did not have this outlet, I would think that all of my thoughts were menial; thus halting my emotional growth. We can't have that, now can we?
That being said, I am back. I will try to post on a regular basis, even from my phone (designated by the "Transitioning on the go" signature at the bottom of such posts).
Thank you, in advance, to all of my friends that I know will read my posts and give their truly honest (albeit sometimes harsh) opinions. If you have any thought please feel free to leave a comment!
I am a 22 year old from Nevada and I like the finer things in life. Nothing makes me happier than a good drink, good friends, and a good conversation. If you wish to partake in this, please contact me!
