Drunken Stammering
I have decided that I have a huge crush on the third girl (here and after called "********" or "****") that I cannot deny (unless it is to her...) Just thought you should know...
[EDIT: Aliases concealed after sobriety took over...]
Labels: Life, Love, Me
Infatuation
Someone on this blog told me that the reason that I am so closed off to the rest of the world is that I have not found anyone that I find worthy enough to open up to. While I totally agree with this assessment, I know that there are people that I would completely open myself up to, if I knew that they cared. I found this quote on iGoogle this morning:
"An ostentatious man will rather relate a blunder or an absurdity he has committed, than be debarred from talking of his own dear person." - Joseph Addison
A big problem that I have is that I do not feel that the things that I have to share are worthy of anyones time. I know that I feel strong emotion, but why would anyone care what I am feeling unless they have a special interest in me? Inversely, how can I truly know that someone is interested in me (or potential to date) unless they know what I am feeling? This image comes to mind:
Eventually, I have a feeling that I will find someone that feels as right for me as I do to them, but that seems so far away. I know that all I can do is embrace simple patience and wait for it to happen, but I am not good at waiting. I have met many people that I would love to date, but (as always) they do not share my feelings.
"As an unperfect actor on the stage
Who with his fear is put beside his part
Or some fierce thing replete with too much rage
Whose strength abundant weakens his own heart
So I for fear of trust forgot to say
The perfect ceremony of love's right
And in mine own love's strength seem to decay
O ercharg d with burden of mine own love's might
O let my looks be then the eloquence
And dumb presagers of my speaking breast.
Who plead for love and look for recompence
More than that tongue that more hath more exprest
O learn to read what silent love hath writ
To hear what eyes belong to love's fine wit!"
-William Shakespeare (Sonnet 23)
Labels: Love, Me, Ostentatiousness
Waking Realization
So I have realized (after a great nights sleep) that I push people away. I have always known that I make it hard to let people know me, but I always thought that I was pretty receptive to people in general. This chain of thoughts started last night as I was watching Bones on Fox. In last nights episode, Booth found out that he had a brain tumor and had to go into surgery to have it removed. There was great sadness from the entire team, but mostly from Bones. At the very end of the episode, Booth was about to go under, when the credits started rolling and BONES STILL DID TELL HIM HOW SHE FELT ABOUT HIM!!!! It was so depressing. It made me realize that I do that same thing on a daily basis because I am afraid of rejection. I will avoid telling women that I am interested in them because I fear reliving the pain of loosing "Apples.".
I pride myself in my extreme control over my emotions, but sometimes I wonder if it is causing me to miss the one thing I want most in life; someone to share it with.
--
Transitioning on the go (iPhone post)
Labels: Life, Love, Me
Reset
Imagine being picked up and thrown. Thrown all about your home (or tree if you live in berkeley). Imagine, for one moment, having your heart impailed on a knife while being thrown about your habitat. Once you have that mind blowing pain firmly wrapped around your psyche, then you will have a general idea of how my last relationship ended. When my ex cheated on me and left for another man, I thought that I was going to die (and in someways wanted to). I was knocked over sideways and thrown on my shell like a turtle, but I have been reset.
This past week I recieved a visit from cupid and he let loose a torrent of arrows right into my heart. My current girlfriend, Mz. Mraz, was visiting from afar from Sunday to Thursday and I am on cloud nine. She is amazing, beautiful, wonderful, and every other cliché-like adjective that you can come up wth. I love her and she loves me. The past seems so far away. The late night vomiting while crying and shaking, that once was, feels more like a dream than reality. I hope that she relizes how much I love her. I am head over heals for her and the only form of expression that accuratly depics how I feel is the song "Brown Eyes" by Destiny's Child. I love her world and I cannot get enough of her. I love life . . . .
"Brown Eyes"
by Destiny's Child
Remember the first day when I saw your face
Remember the first day when you smiled at me
You stepped to me and then you said to me
I was the woman you dreamed about
Remember the first day when you called my house
Remember the first day when you took me out
we had butterflies although we tried to hide
and we both had a beautiful night
The way we held each others hand,
the way we talked, the way we laughed
it felt so good to find true love
I knew right then and there you were the one
ohhhhhh,
I know that he loves me cause told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
When he stares at me you see he cares for me
You see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause its obvious
I know that he loves me cause its me he trust
and he's missing me if he's not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tell it so
Remember the first day, the first day we kissed
Remember the first day we had an argument
we apologized and then we compromised
and we've haven't argued since
Remember the first day we stopped playing games
Remember the first day you fell in love with me
it felt so good for you to say those words
cause I felt the same way too
The way we held each other's hands,
the way we talked, the way we laughed
it felt so good to fall in love
and I knew right there and then that you were the one
I know that he loves cause he told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
When he stares at me you see he cares for me
You see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause it's obvious
I know that he loves me cause it's me he trust
and he's missing me if he's not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tell it so
I'm so happy, so happy that your in my my life
and baby now that your apart of me
you've showed me
showed me the true meaning of love(the true meaning of love)
and I know he loves me
I know that he loves me cause he told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
When he stares at me you see he cares for me
You see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause it's obvious
I know that he loves me cause it's me he trust
and he's missing me if he's not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tell it so
He looks at me and his brown eyes tell it so
Labels: Love
Blue Skys, and Cloudy Minds
The thoughts pile up in my mind as the water pools in my eyes. My pupils turn to into question marks and the sound of confusion floods my ears. I sit, surrounded by my desires, yet I cannot see what they are. I am feeling around my heart as a blind man feels his way through the world. My world is dark while my eyes are wide open. I cannot see past the shadow drawn over my minds eye. I once held the answers, and there was a time that the world was clear. However, that time has passed and the answers are gone. They left on a train at dusk for a far distant land. I knew as I saw the train pull from the station that, with it, went solution to the puzzles of my mind. Everyday after that I searched my heart for the key to my problems, but to no avail. I thought I had found it in the hidden darkness of a restaurant one glorious Friday night, but to my dismay it was no more than a weekend of excitement and a lifetime full of pain. "Maybe it ran from me?" I thought. so I turned north for the nest of this migratory beast, but I feel that what I saw was instead more questions. Could it be at the bottom of my coffee? I have seen the bottom of many a cup of coffee, and I am assured it is not there. So, I sit. I sit and I allow the tears and thoughts and questions and puzzles and darkness to engulf me and slowly digest me into nothingness. For this is the life that I lead, or am lead into. This is the forest that I am lost in with no one to show me the way . . .
Labels: Love
Last Meme For a While:
Love and Dishsoap
by
Nicole"I would walk through hell for you
And stop halfway
To reflect on how much I love you
And to pick up milk and bread from the store
I can wash away your sins
And the laundry
I'd find you at the depths of the ocean
And my heart
And I'd find your lost necklace on the way
Wipe your tears
And the kitchen counters
I'll mend everything inside you
Pick up your pieces
And replace the lost ones with my own
While I'm at it
I'll get to your socks and old tee shirts
Fix you
And myself
And the dining room chair"
After reading this I sat and thought for a very long time. I have decided that this is real love. This is the love that we should all be striving for. To be with someone who sees your love as so honest and true, that they find romance in doing the every day-to-day is living with extreme bliss. I believe that I see this kind of person in Mz. Mraz. She is so sweet and wonderful that I do not really remember the pains of the past. When we talk, I just want to be with her and live life with her. I want an everyday love. So, the next time you are contemplating love, throw this into the equation and see what you come up with . . . .
Labels: Love
Enjoy this VD!
Today is the day. This day is the day that Hallmark rejoices as their sales go up and their pockets are lined with shimmering gold. Today, people in relationships buy lovely gifts for one another and express what they believe as their true feelings. Lies. Here is the truth about V-Day.
Today is singles awareness day. In case you did not realize that you were single before today, you will know now. As all of the couples are prancing around holding hands and showing massive PDA, you will be wallowing in a pile of your own self pity. Do not get me wrong, I would do the same thing if I were in a relationship, because it is not depressing until you are single. During these times of sadness and despair, we all could use with a few words of wisdom. Those words come from my Sensei
"Dave, all the happiness you need is in your head. You could be kissing a really ugly woman with warts and pimples and all sorts of gross things growing out of her face and still be happy. All you have to do is be happy up here (points to head). This is Aikido." Thank you Sensei, thank you. This is the mentality that we all must have to be happy, even if only in our minds.
That being said I want to wish everyone a very happy Valentines day. May love transcend all levels of your life whether you are with the super model of your dreams, or Ms. Wart-Face. And remember . . .
When everything gets down to it's basic animal beginnings . . . get a room!
Labels: Love
Life City Limits. Population: Lonely
There she is, right in front of me. She is always right in front of me. All I have to do is close my eyes and she appears in all of her angelic glory. She is always mouthing the same thing to me . . . "I love you."
Whenever I need to escape from the world, I know that I can look inside my eyelids to repeat this image over and over. Alas, it is but a dream, but my love for her still burns inside of me like a wild forest fire. I have opened the doorway of my heart, inviting her in but she choose instead to stand in the cold with the familiar, the comforting, the status quo. The door is still open, but I can feel the heat escaping evermore each day. I do not know how much longer this can continue before the heat is gone and the heart is dead. I do not want to give up . . . I cannot give up. I know that if I can hold out long enough, she will see the true passion that I can give her and she will begin to appreciate it. If I close the door again, I fear that it will be for a final time.
The view of her and her every move keeps replaying in my minds eye. I see her gracefully gliding across the room, or beautifully speaking the silky soft words of her native tongue. That laugh is always echoing in the hallowed corridors of my gutted chest, while those wonderfully inviting eyes melt away all of my worries and allow me to just enjoy the pure presence of her heavenly being. This is not just a passionate love, this is compassionate. This is heartbreak. This is life, welcome to it . . .
Labels: Love
Self Destruct
I think that I am in love. In fact I know that I am in love. How do I know this? I could give you the usual "you just know' answer, but I always thought that to be a cop out. I know that I am in love because I feel pain. When I am not near the person that I have fallen in love with, I feel pain. This pain tells me that I am in love and that all I want to do is express that love. The other big reason that this love causes me pain, is that I cannot have her. She is in a relationship that she has been in for a while, and probably be in for quite a while. Isn't it just like life to finally allow me peace from my last relationship, just so I can fall for a taken girl? I have always believed that life only gives you what it thinks you can handle, however, I think that it missed it's mark this time and over shot. I do not know what I am going to do, but until I decided, I am being eaten alive . . .
Labels: Love
Napkin Picture
Labels: Love
The Epic Hero: Part Four
Many people think that the circle of life is Birth, Death, and possibly re-birth. The people that have this view are not wrong but not looking deep enough. The cycle of life is happiness and sadness, joy and pain, yin and yang. To care for someone so deeply , but constantly feel pain because you cannot be with them, is an example of this 'life.' These thoughts flash through our Hero's mind as he is spiraling towards the ground. In the blink of an eye, he went from flying high with hope in his corner, to rock bottom; again hand on trigger. "Why continue?" He asks himself as he stares down the barrel of the gun.
"I have given my heart twice. I have let my guard down in two situations, both of which left a bitter taste in my mouth."
No one responds.
"I am willing to give everything into the power of hope, while others are only willing to give 10-20%. Why, then, am I always being told that it is not what is wanted?"
No one responds.
"Does hope really only waste its time fulfilling the lives of people that don't even try and meet it half way?"
No one responds. No one ever responds. Little does our Hero know it, but he is completely alone. His thoughts and words are not much more than a waste of time and space. No one will ever respond because that is the nature of love. The river that is his emotion has the current of great white rapids. No one will ever know what it is like to feel that river flowing though ones heart day in and day out, without anyway to prevent it from flowing over and drowning them in a pool of their own love . . .
Labels: Love
The Epic Hero: Part Three
The rain falls upon his head as he stands in deep concentration, unable to move. Just as the heavens open up, and pour a waterfall onto the earth, our Hero looks up and sees a most peculiar object. The women of his desires is flying. Each day our thoughts swirl around our mind as water in a whirlpool. I see her doing a backstroke through the current of my mind as if in the calm waters of an evening bath. Her eyes are closed and her arms are out; she is flying. No, she is floating, floating high above the earth and all of its problems like a balloon. To our Hero however, she is right above his head, not wanting to leave this melancholy world without him. He reaches up and is carried away by his own lightheartedness . . .
(Image courtesy of Andre Jordan - http://www.abeautifulrevolution.com)
Labels: Love
The Epic Hero: Part Two
The hand of hope rests upon the quivering finger of despair, slowly pulling it off of the trigger. Upon the initial touch, our Hero remembers the warm feeling of having someone so close and so dear to his heart. He sits with the weapon of darkness by his side as he holds on to the one ray of sunshine that has penetrated the shadows clouding his heart. We all have a wall, an iron curtain if you will, around our emotions, protecting us from pain. This curtain keeps humans from acknowledging out true emotions and feeling the agony of life. The Hero is dropping that curtain and is ready to give his heart to her. He then turns to confess his love, but the hope is gone, she disappeared in the night. He spends some time staring into the darkness, remembering the joy that he once felt; the joy he must feel again . . .
Labels: Love
The Epic Hero: Part One
First the feeling of being uncomfortable. This does not last too long as it is replaced quickly by the desire to be closer. After a period of not quenching that thirst, the desire transforms into a longing. You long to hold and be held, to cry while laughing instead of just crying. The real problem begins when the longing makes it way to depression. Every thought in your mind is centered on a future of loneliness and sadness. You try and act happy even when the rivers of fire that are your desire find their way to your tear ducts and you have to do everything in your power to keep the pain inside. The smile that is given hides the true tale of a hopeless romantic. The story always begins with hero, down on his luck and ready to end it all. As he is about to pull the trigger, a hand is placed upon his and draws his finger off the weapon. The hand is hope, the hope for something better. At first our hero is unsure, he has been hurt by this hope before. What drives us forever back to the cycle of pain when the moments of joy are far and few between? We are driven by moments of joy that are so amazingly strong that we could not live without them. I go out of my way to spend time with her for that one smile, that one glance, or that one giggle that makes everything else that I did that day worth it. It is true that hopeless romantics are really hopeless; that hopelessness is everything. If I have to feel the long periods of hopelessness just so I am allowed to look in to her eyes, even if just for a couple of seconds, and feel that moment of joyous connection, then I will suffer gladly through this bittersweet symphony. If there is one reason that I have been put on this earth I know that it has to be located somewhere deep in those beautiful eyes, framed by that short blond hair, coming from a head located on a body shaped by God himself. I know that if I hold out long enough I will be granted access to the esoteric knowledge that keeps me awake night after night . . .
Labels: Love
Thoughts of the past
I have been thinking of the past a lot lately. I do not know what happened, really. In hindsight I see things like this: 1. I was in a great relation and planning to spend the rest of my life with 'apples' (the name I am giving for my ex), 2. I am left for an affair and the dream ends, 3. I 'find' myself (spiritually and mentally), 4. I fall for a girl that I cannot have (
Poland), 5. I meet another girl that seems perfect in every sense (Ms. Mraz), 6. I cannot get over Poland enough to see what could be with
Ms. Mraz.
I have named this the "Six step program to loosing one's mind." I really do not want to give up on
Poland, I have not felt so right since I was with apples. I just cannot feel that child-like butterfly feeling with Ms. Mraz while I still have Poland on the brain. While talking to her last night I was relaxed and caught up in her all at the same time. It is exactly how I felt when we first met. I do not know what I need to do, but I think that it involves meditation and sleep . . .
Labels: Love
Pandora
I have fallen for a girl, a girl named 'Pandora.' Hold on before you alert the press and call in the marching bands, please note that I have never meet this girl and I will never see her again. Why then, you might ask, have I fallen in love with her? Let me explain . . .
January 8th was my fathers birthday. As custom for either of our birthdays we went to Outback steak house for dinner. While waiting for our food I overheard a conversation 'Pandora' was having with her date at another table. She was expressing how she really like to date people that enjoy just going out and doing this outrageous thing called TALKING. She said that too many people just want to go a movie and not talk to the other person and say that it was a great date. However, the purpose of dating is to find out who you are compatible with and if they are your soul mate or not. I could not agree with her more. One of my biggest frustrations with women of my age, around Reno, is that they are too shallow. They just want the mindless movie and giggling. I am sick of women like that and it almost turned me off to dating until I was in another town. Then I saw 'Pandora.' I call her 'Pandora' because she was wearing a very witty white t-shirt that said just that on it. Now get this straight; I do not really love her. I fell in love with the possibility of women like her. She revived the hope of intelligent love within me. Since then I have happened upon a few women that are witty, smart, funny, and can actually converse on a human level of thought. I now have hope that even my love life can be more like the caustic nature of Igby . . . Life is good.
Labels: Love
A Tale of Hopeless Romance
Boy meets girl.
Girl smiles at boy.
Boy falls for girl.
Girl has boyfriend.
Boy sees a bad relationship.
Boy feels all relationships that are not with him are bad.
Boy want relationship with girl.
Girl knew nothing of this.
Boy tried to get over girl.
Boy tried to hangout with other girls.
Boy failed horribly.
Girl knows non of this.
Boy lost control.
Boy told girl that he liked her.
Boy felt terrible, but relieved.
Girls started to ignore boy.
Boy is a hopeless romantic.
Boy feels that it will all work out in the end.
Boy feels that the end is really far away.
Girl does not seen to care.
Girl stays with boyfriend.
Girl talk lightly with boy.
Girl does not want to admit any feelings for boy.
Boy does not want her to.
Boy sits on friends couch crying over 2 years never achieved.
Boy wants to be with someone and let the past be the past.
Boy cannot think straight while head over heals for girl.
Girl knows non of this.
Boy is lost.
Boy is alone.
Boy wishes to be found.
Shakespere said:
" . . . O learn to read what silent love hath writ,
to hear with eyes,
belongs to loves fine wit."
Boy agrees.
Labels: Love
Affairs of the heart
I see a heart in your eyes.
I see my heart in your hands.
I see two paths.
One is the road less traveled.
The other is insanity.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
For the special ed: "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten."
I see a desire to be loved.
I see a cup that cannot be filled with just a trickle.
Your passion is for a passion as deep as yours.
My passion is for a passion as deep as mine.
Your passion is for a passion as deep as mine.
My passion is for a passion as deep as yours.
The unknown is unstable.
I do not know what will happen to the heart in your hands.
I do not know what he will do to the heart in your eyes.
I do know that I want to save both.
I do not know what you want.
I hope for the best.
Please do not let it be the worst.
"There's nothing better than affairs of the heart
To make you feel so good then tear you apart"
Labels: Love
Pains of loosing
Again, the words of others say a lot.
I am over my past.
i feel the need to read these things.
These things make me happy.
"Looking back I have
So many questions unanswered
What once was clear is now so blurred
A future assured cast now in doubt
Between us was an electricity
So filled that none could deny
An intensity such as this man
Has never before felt or will again
We shared common thoughts
Your dreams I thought I knew
My dreams you did know
My heart was held in your hands
All my years of pain now had reason
Anguish felt to better appreciate you
My heart knew never to let you go
To give you all of myself without reservation
Your voice calmed my darkest nights
Illusion was mine that I calmed yours
Hope brought into my darkest hours
Life brought to a dead soul
Was it all just an illusion before my eyes
What was my misstep that cost me your love
Was I imagining something that didn’t exist
Or was something precious destroyed for fear
Love and compassion offered to you instead
Of the pain and anguish he gives
A choice I thought would be simple
Now made inexplicable to me
This garden I offered you in ruins now lies
Without rhyme or reason
Paths destroyed hopes battered
Bridges burned in silence
I bid thee well on the road you take
Mine shall not be so easy
Filled with the memory of what could have been
And crushed by what never shall be"
Labels: Love
Pains of Loving
The quipist pays homage too.
When quiping just won't do.
Use quotes to see the world through others eyes.
Use quotes to see the world through my eyes.
See the world.
"I sit in my dark room lit only by a stray moonlight ray,
Enjoying the quiet darkness after a long hard day.
I can hear the rain as it falls from the sky to the ground,
And feel the sadness in my heart that you're not around.
Oh darling, I wish I could explain how I feel without you.
An empty shell with a desire that goes all the way through
Like the man whose life is without meaning or reward
For you are the center and are all that puts it into accord.
When I am away from you my soul hurts with an ache
There's no way that I can be happy, I can not even fake.
For you are my everything and all that keeps me going
More I am away from you, the more I feel it growing.
When you're with me, I feel so special each and every time
So wonderful that if any better, then it would be a crime
I know that you have other friends that force you to decide
But you never make me feel guilty, intruding or put aside
All that I feel from you is that I am your number one
It makes me smile cause I am the earth to your sun
You are the center with your sparkling eyes and smile
So when I touch you, it is like it is you and I on an isle.
I miss you so much sweetie that I can't explain how much
There is such a loneliness inside of me for your touch
My mind cries out to be with you no matter what the cost
Please hun, please understand that without you, I am lost
I am dying to hold you tight in my arms until the sun rises
To feel the warmth of your sexy body with all its surprises
My body remembers your scent and how it drove me wild
That scent has a passion and seduction but yet is so mild.
When I kiss that neck of yours, I feel a part of me reacting
It's a piece of me that I can not hide with any type of acting
If you could hug me close, you would know how I feel
You react with a smile and my heart you would steal
I feel your kisses on my neck as I think of your lips
I would pull you closer with my hands on your hips
Closer and closer to my body so there is no room between
Feeling kiss after kiss as I lovingly caress those blue jeans
So tell me sweetheart, can you tell that I miss you yet?
Can you tell that I want to be with you without regret?
So until I am with you again and feel your warmth to mine
I will miss you and look forward to the time when we dine."
Labels: Love
