The Epic Hero: Part Four
Many people think that the circle of life is Birth, Death, and possibly re-birth. The people that have this view are not wrong but not looking deep enough. The cycle of life is happiness and sadness, joy and pain, yin and yang. To care for someone so deeply , but constantly feel pain because you cannot be with them, is an example of this 'life.' These thoughts flash through our Hero's mind as he is spiraling towards the ground. In the blink of an eye, he went from flying high with hope in his corner, to rock bottom; again hand on trigger. "Why continue?" He asks himself as he stares down the barrel of the gun.
"I have given my heart twice. I have let my guard down in two situations, both of which left a bitter taste in my mouth."
No one responds.
"I am willing to give everything into the power of hope, while others are only willing to give 10-20%. Why, then, am I always being told that it is not what is wanted?"
No one responds.
"Does hope really only waste its time fulfilling the lives of people that don't even try and meet it half way?"
No one responds. No one ever responds. Little does our Hero know it, but he is completely alone. His thoughts and words are not much more than a waste of time and space. No one will ever respond because that is the nature of love. The river that is his emotion has the current of great white rapids. No one will ever know what it is like to feel that river flowing though ones heart day in and day out, without anyway to prevent it from flowing over and drowning them in a pool of their own love . . .
Labels: Love
The Epic Hero: Part Three
The rain falls upon his head as he stands in deep concentration, unable to move. Just as the heavens open up, and pour a waterfall onto the earth, our Hero looks up and sees a most peculiar object. The women of his desires is flying. Each day our thoughts swirl around our mind as water in a whirlpool. I see her doing a backstroke through the current of my mind as if in the calm waters of an evening bath. Her eyes are closed and her arms are out; she is flying. No, she is floating, floating high above the earth and all of its problems like a balloon. To our Hero however, she is right above his head, not wanting to leave this melancholy world without him. He reaches up and is carried away by his own lightheartedness . . .
(Image courtesy of Andre Jordan - http://www.abeautifulrevolution.com)
Labels: Love
The Epic Hero: Part Two
The hand of hope rests upon the quivering finger of despair, slowly pulling it off of the trigger. Upon the initial touch, our Hero remembers the warm feeling of having someone so close and so dear to his heart. He sits with the weapon of darkness by his side as he holds on to the one ray of sunshine that has penetrated the shadows clouding his heart. We all have a wall, an iron curtain if you will, around our emotions, protecting us from pain. This curtain keeps humans from acknowledging out true emotions and feeling the agony of life. The Hero is dropping that curtain and is ready to give his heart to her. He then turns to confess his love, but the hope is gone, she disappeared in the night. He spends some time staring into the darkness, remembering the joy that he once felt; the joy he must feel again . . .
Labels: Love
The Epic Hero: Part One
First the feeling of being uncomfortable. This does not last too long as it is replaced quickly by the desire to be closer. After a period of not quenching that thirst, the desire transforms into a longing. You long to hold and be held, to cry while laughing instead of just crying. The real problem begins when the longing makes it way to depression. Every thought in your mind is centered on a future of loneliness and sadness. You try and act happy even when the rivers of fire that are your desire find their way to your tear ducts and you have to do everything in your power to keep the pain inside. The smile that is given hides the true tale of a hopeless romantic. The story always begins with hero, down on his luck and ready to end it all. As he is about to pull the trigger, a hand is placed upon his and draws his finger off the weapon. The hand is hope, the hope for something better. At first our hero is unsure, he has been hurt by this hope before. What drives us forever back to the cycle of pain when the moments of joy are far and few between? We are driven by moments of joy that are so amazingly strong that we could not live without them. I go out of my way to spend time with her for that one smile, that one glance, or that one giggle that makes everything else that I did that day worth it. It is true that hopeless romantics are really hopeless; that hopelessness is everything. If I have to feel the long periods of hopelessness just so I am allowed to look in to her eyes, even if just for a couple of seconds, and feel that moment of joyous connection, then I will suffer gladly through this bittersweet symphony. If there is one reason that I have been put on this earth I know that it has to be located somewhere deep in those beautiful eyes, framed by that short blond hair, coming from a head located on a body shaped by God himself. I know that if I hold out long enough I will be granted access to the esoteric knowledge that keeps me awake night after night . . .
Labels: Love
Thoughts of the past
I have been thinking of the past a lot lately. I do not know what happened, really. In hindsight I see things like this: 1. I was in a great relation and planning to spend the rest of my life with 'apples' (the name I am giving for my ex), 2. I am left for an affair and the dream ends, 3. I 'find' myself (spiritually and mentally), 4. I fall for a girl that I cannot have (
Poland), 5. I meet another girl that seems perfect in every sense (Ms. Mraz), 6. I cannot get over Poland enough to see what could be with
Ms. Mraz.
I have named this the "Six step program to loosing one's mind." I really do not want to give up on
Poland, I have not felt so right since I was with apples. I just cannot feel that child-like butterfly feeling with Ms. Mraz while I still have Poland on the brain. While talking to her last night I was relaxed and caught up in her all at the same time. It is exactly how I felt when we first met. I do not know what I need to do, but I think that it involves meditation and sleep . . .
Labels: Love
Decisions
It never fails. As soon as I think I have everything in my life figured out (except for that damned rubrics cube!) something comes up to rock my world. I have been in contact with one of my good friends sister (for the sake of privacy, I will call her Ms. Mraz). I am really starting to have feelings for her and we seem to get along really well. This all seems well and good until I say that she lives in a different state. This is the part where my best friend,
fuzzy, tells me to move on and not to get too attached. That would them make this the part where I do not listen to him, and go and to something crazy and off the cuff; like move to Washington. I have been wanting to move for a while, but did not have motivation enough to do so, until now. Here I stand with a great apartment, a great job, great classes, and the only thing that I can think about is moving. Is there something mentally wrong with me that I have to run away from the normal? (don't answer that, fuzzy . . . ) The only thing currently keeping me here is that I have not spent any real time 'with' Ms. Mraz, only time on the phone and a lot (and I mean A LOT) of texting. Also, I guess that I am not quite over the crush I have on mystery girl (here and after, 'Poland'). I just got back in touch with her again and I still get the butterflies. However, once again, I was let down after being ditched. She makes the second girl in a month that has flaked when we were going to meet. The other girl that did it, 'Java,' did it three times before I gave up. I cannot give up on Poland, however, it is just to hard. She is just so sweet and amazing . . .
Washington is looking better every day . . .
Labels: Me
Pandora
I have fallen for a girl, a girl named 'Pandora.' Hold on before you alert the press and call in the marching bands, please note that I have never meet this girl and I will never see her again. Why then, you might ask, have I fallen in love with her? Let me explain . . .
January 8th was my fathers birthday. As custom for either of our birthdays we went to Outback steak house for dinner. While waiting for our food I overheard a conversation 'Pandora' was having with her date at another table. She was expressing how she really like to date people that enjoy just going out and doing this outrageous thing called TALKING. She said that too many people just want to go a movie and not talk to the other person and say that it was a great date. However, the purpose of dating is to find out who you are compatible with and if they are your soul mate or not. I could not agree with her more. One of my biggest frustrations with women of my age, around Reno, is that they are too shallow. They just want the mindless movie and giggling. I am sick of women like that and it almost turned me off to dating until I was in another town. Then I saw 'Pandora.' I call her 'Pandora' because she was wearing a very witty white t-shirt that said just that on it. Now get this straight; I do not really love her. I fell in love with the possibility of women like her. She revived the hope of intelligent love within me. Since then I have happened upon a few women that are witty, smart, funny, and can actually converse on a human level of thought. I now have hope that even my love life can be more like the caustic nature of Igby . . . Life is good.
Labels: Love
Influence
I rented a great movie the other day that made me want to share my pathetic thoughts with you (all two of you . . . if I am lucky). The movie was 'Igby Goes Down'
I have now seen this movie three times now and it still holds a place as one of my five favorite movies of all time. Not because of some neo-political point that it makes (though I could make one from it). I do not love it because of the extremely beautiful and wonderful Claire Danes. Nor do I love this movie because of its gripping story line. I love this movie because of the caustic, albeit hilarious, one liners. The writers of this script should be canonized for their grip of cunning linguistic debauchery. Here are some examples of what I am talking about: (thanks to IMDb for the use of their great resource)
Sookie: What kind of name is 'Igby'?
Igby: The kind of name that someone named 'Sookie' is in no position to question.
D.H. Banes: I believe, umm, that certain people in life are meant to fall by the wayside; to serve as warnings to the rest of us; signs posts along the way.
Igby: To where?
D.H. Banes: Success.
Oliver: Our father would be a 'slippery when schizophrenic' sign, for instance...
[pause]
Oliver: ... along the highway of life.
Igby: She's a dancer who doesn't dance and her friend is a painter who doesn't paint. It's kind of a Boho version of the Island of the Lost Toys.
Igby: Oliver is majoring in neo-fascism at Colombia.
Oliver: Economics.
Igby: Semantics.
Igby: How many Vassar professors and intellectual theologians beget nymphomaniacal, pseudo-Bohemian JAPs?
Sookie: I am not a JAP.
Igby: It's ironic that the first time in my life that I feel remotely affectionate for her, is when she's dead.
Oliver: You beat up her corpse.
Igby: I know, but after that.
Oliver: [on Igby] I think if Gandhi had to spend a prolonged amount of time with you, he'd end up beating the shit out of you, too.
Sookie: You call your mother "Mimi"?
Igby: "Heinous One" is a bit cumbersome.
[Sookie nods]
Igby: And Medea was taken.
Sookie: You know what I think when I'm this close to another body? I think one day at one moment... this body that I'm holding in my arms will stop breathing... stop living. Just... stop. One day you'll happen upon my name in the obits and you'll remember this moment when we were so close.
Igby: You're a real fuckin' upper.
Sookie: Dimebag... well that got your attention.
Igby: Pavlov's pothead... I hear the sound of a bong clink and my eyes begin to water.
Sookie: That's funny.
Igby: Can we go back to your mom's apartment and have sex?
Sookie: No! You think that'll make you feel better? It won't. It'll just make you feel really empty and sad. You're better off masturbating.
Igby: Are you a vegetarian?
Sookie: Why would you ask that?
Igby: I've just never seen anybody roll a joint like that.
Sookie: What does that have to do with being a vegetarian?
Igby: Oh, they're just so precious.
Sookie: I roll perfect joints.
Igby: I'm not putting them down, they're incredible.
Sookie: Well, thank you.
Igby: It's incredible that a human being can make such neat, little joints.
Sookie: You make it sound as if I'm anal or something, just because I know how to roll a perfect joint.
Igby: No, not anal. Vegetarian.
Sookie: Well, what does that mean?
Igby: Well, you don't roll like, big rasta spliff joints, do you? Your joints are like salad joints, not like a big, sloppy, bleeding cheeseburger-that-you-rip-into-kind-of-a-joint joint.
Sookie: I guess marijuana isn't a visceral experience for me. Sex is for me.
Igby: Right.
Sookie: Ok, so I am a vegetarian, but for purely moral reasons.
Peeka: Lucky Charms?
Igby: What?
Peeka: Fucking Lucky Charms!
Igby: I don't know.
Sookie: [to and about Ollie] You're the fascist brother.
Igby: He prefers young Republican.
These are just *some* of the amazing quotes from this movie; a movie that all must see. However, I feel more than love for this movie. I believe that, for me, this was a life changing event. I have always thought of myself as something more than the average human being. I know that this sounds fucked up but I feel that I have something that not many other people have; the ability to turn my "give-a-fuck' off at anytime. I can say things without regret or remorse. I also tend to say witty things that make people laugh and also cry at the same time. Moreover, I cannot be offended. The only problem with that is that I then tend to offend people, but then I just turn off my "give-a-fuck," and it doesn't matter. Am I my own fucked up version of a sophist? Fuck . . .
Labels: Me
A Tale of Hopeless Romance
Boy meets girl.
Girl smiles at boy.
Boy falls for girl.
Girl has boyfriend.
Boy sees a bad relationship.
Boy feels all relationships that are not with him are bad.
Boy want relationship with girl.
Girl knew nothing of this.
Boy tried to get over girl.
Boy tried to hangout with other girls.
Boy failed horribly.
Girl knows non of this.
Boy lost control.
Boy told girl that he liked her.
Boy felt terrible, but relieved.
Girls started to ignore boy.
Boy is a hopeless romantic.
Boy feels that it will all work out in the end.
Boy feels that the end is really far away.
Girl does not seen to care.
Girl stays with boyfriend.
Girl talk lightly with boy.
Girl does not want to admit any feelings for boy.
Boy does not want her to.
Boy sits on friends couch crying over 2 years never achieved.
Boy wants to be with someone and let the past be the past.
Boy cannot think straight while head over heals for girl.
Girl knows non of this.
Boy is lost.
Boy is alone.
Boy wishes to be found.
Shakespere said:
" . . . O learn to read what silent love hath writ,
to hear with eyes,
belongs to loves fine wit."
Boy agrees.
Labels: Love
